Today, I read an article about a Japanese cop who, after an evening of heavy drinking, was caught taking a bath in someone else's home. The policeman was arrested and charged with unlawful entry and was quoted saying, "I can't believe it wasn't my bath." 

     This made me think about all the stupid accidents I've had over the years - those stories that make you go, "Wow. I'm an idiot." There is one that stands out because it's a story my best friend from high school will never let me live down.

     It was the night of my high school graduation and I had just moved my tassel. I sat in utter excitement as my principal congratulated us, the new class of 2000. We tossed our caps high into the summer air. It was the perfect night for an outdoor, stadium graduation. The caps fell back down into the sea of blue and red.

     After searching for my cap and watching the fireworks display, I did the normal graduation things. I hugged my friends, I promised to keep in touch, I took pictures, I smelled my flowers, I turned in my cap and gown for my diploma and smiled over finally having it... And then, as most high school graduates do on the night of their graduation, I made plans to go out with my friends.

     It wasn't until we were walking out to the parking lot that I realized my keys were missing. I had just gotten my very first car, an old Buick Century my grandparents had given to me as a happy graduation/happy 18th birthday/welcome to the real world gift. I screamed over to my best friend, Jenna, and her boyfriend, Chris, that I couldn't find my keys anywhere. We dumped my purse out on my car. All the contents of my little bag hit the hood of my car with a thump. We shone our cell phone lights on the pile. No keys revealed themselves.

     We went inside to get a better look. No keys. We searched the gym where I had picked up my diploma. No keys. Finally, we made our way back to the field we had thought we had taken our last steps on... But no keys. Our assisstant principal saw us and asked us what we were doing. He called the maintenance people over his walky talky and before we knew it, every Neshaminy High School employee that was left cleaning up was searching for my keys.

     Finally, an hour later, I called my dad to ask him to bring the spare set. We ended up just going back to Jenna's house to hang out for a while because it was late anyway.

     A week later, on senior week in Wildwood, NJ, I reached into my purse while getting ready and pulled out my keys. Somehow they had been inside a little pocket of my purse all along. :-)

It was announced today that Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, the main stars of TV's worst reality show, The Simple Life, (and the ugliest, snobbiest rich girls around), are no longer BEST FRIENDS FOREVER.

Neither one will comment on the specifics of what happened, but Paris was quoted saying, "It's no big secret that Nicole and I are no longer friends. I will not go into the details of what happened. All I will say is that Nicole knows what she did and that's all I am ever going to say about it."

This is such a horrible tradegy, not only for the country, but for the world... We will all be in mourning for a very long time. I'm sure Paris and Nicole would appreciate all your prayers.

I've noticed that there are a lot of quizzes about my late husband, the king of the word himself (as he liked me to call him), Mr. William Shakespeare. I decided it would be only fitting if I, his wife, Anne Hathaway-Shakespeare (That's right. I hyphenate. I am a modern woman for my times), attempt to take one of these quizzes and see how well I knew my husband...

Shakespeare's Life: The Quiz
(He is rolling over in his grave for this and I love it)

1. Where was Shakespeare born?
a)Venice
b)Paris
c) London
d) Stratford-upon-Avon

What a horribly stupid question. Obviously Will is considered the most famous of all BRITISH playwrights (which would make you think I should be the most famous of all British playwrights' wife, but no... Do you think he'd mention me in one of his trashy plays?!), and therefore he was born in England. Most unintelligent people would believe he was a native Londoner, but such he was not. He was born in little old Stratford, where I located after marrying him. However, most of the time he left our children and me all alone to fend for ourselves, while he pranced about in London, writing his "masterpieces," as he called them. Rubbish is my term for them. Who wants to see a bunch of men dancing around in makeup and costumes, confessing their undying love for each other? I am surprised her lady, Majesty Queen Elizabeth, hadn't had him executed!

2. When was Shakespeare born?
a) April 19, 1700
b) August 10, 1489
c) April 23, 1564
d) March 15, 1568

The most acceptable answer to this hideously tricky question is April 23, 1564 (making my husband a ripe, old 441 two days ago, if he were still alive). However, no one except his close, extended family (which nowadays exists of solely moi ) knows his real birthday. So-called Shakespeare “scholars” (I still find it funny that there are people who dedicate their entire lives to my husband’s short existence) like to believe my hubby was born on April 23rd because he died on April 23rd, but what are the chances of someone dying on their birthday? It’s around a .27% chance (although I’m horrible at arithmetic, so my calculations could be incorrect). Do you really think my husband was clever enough to die on his own birthday? Will LOVED birthdays… He would do anything in the world not to die on his own. Just because public record shows he was baptized on April 26, 1564, does not mean he was born three days earlier.

3. Where is Shakespeare buried?
a) Rome
b) London
c) Stratford
d) Oxford

Considering I am buried directly adjacent to him, I can say for sure the answer is C) Stratford – In the same church William was baptized and had his funeral. Yes, I am writing from the grave. I tapped into the Comcast Cable line that runs underneath Holy Trinity Church. Once the church went wireless, it was really easy to tap into the church’s cable modem.

Want to know a secret? The “scholars” I referred to earlier believe Willy actually wrote his epitaph himself. Little do they know, William never planned on dying. He had invested most of his money from his plays (which should have gone to feeding our hungry children) in cryogenics. However, refrigeration at the time was scarce and underdeveloped. Too bad!!! Who wrote the inscription on Mr. Shakespeare’s famous last resting place? While I am not the best writer, I will take credit where it is due.

4. How many children did Shakespeare have?
a) 3
b) 1
c) 2
d) 6

Well, this would be pretty hard to forget. The answer is three. Three wonderful children. After two times (and when I say times, I do not mean times I pushed melons through my unseen parts), William lost interest in me. We had beautiful, angel Susanna in 1583 (who eventually married a doctor!), and then the twins, Judith and Hamnet, came two years later. Hamnet died suddenly when he was 11, leaving me bitter about the world, and about my husband, who was gallanting around London at the time with his actor buddies. Losing a child is something I hope no parent ever has to experience, however, it was very common in my day.

Since this question is somewhat sex related, I feel I should make a statement about premarital sex. In my day, it was considered to be unholy and blasphemous, however, I was in love. So what if I was 26 and pregnant and he was 17 when we got married? What is so wrong with that? You cannot help whom you fall in love with! And my father had nothing to do with William marrying me! He loved me!

5. How many siblings did Shakespeare have?
a) 0
b) 7
c) 3
d) 14

It seems the John and Mary Shakespeare got down to business much more than their son and his wife. They had eight children, however many of them died from the plague when they were young. Will was very lucky to survive as long as he did. I think the creepiest Shakespeare story I was ever told (Mama Mary told me this one at a luncheon one afternoon) was the story of William’s oldest sister, Joan. Joan was born and died within her first year of life from the plague. 11 years later, they had another girl and also named her Joan. The Shakespeares used to joke around that Joan was really a ghost who came back to life, which I always found rather creepy. I know Joan never liked this joke and always had problems going to her sister’s grave because she felt like she was staring at her own. Later, scholars would say William came up with the phrase “came back from the dead,” however, I know the real origin of this phrase.

6. Shakespeare married this Anne in 1582:
a) Anne Gables
b) Anne of Cleves
c) Anne Faithful
d) Anne Hathaway

That bitch Anne of Cleves has no right to be in this question. She wasn’t even British. Snobby French… And the other two aren’t even real people. Who made this quiz?? At least pick real people to make it challenging!! And Anne “Faithful” better be referring to me! I was faithful to that adulterous piece of shit to the day her died.

Here is a picture of two voodoo dolls taken from a stalker-fan of Will's. Mysteriously, the strange headaches Will and I had been having for week's disappeared the day this particular stalker was arrested.

*NOTE: I don't remember William ever having red hair.

More to come...

7. What was Shakespeare's father's name?
a) Paul
b) William
c) Michael
d) John

I already talked about John and his wife Mary in one of the previous questions. John was a good man. He was a great father-in-law and a great grandfather to my children. We had a lot of gloves to wear... Papa John was a glove maker if you didn't know. He only knew how to make female gloves though... It was great for my daughters and me because we always had beautiful, new lace gloves to wear for every special occasion, however, William always had to wear the lacey ones too. He didn't seem to mind though. He said he was used to it because when he was little he used to try on and wear his mother's clothes and gloves around the house, all the time. He loved painting his lips red and cheeks pink as well. He couldn't really fit into her shoes though.

8. Shakespeare lived during the reign of which English monarchs?
a) Queen Elizabeth I and King Richard IV
b) Queen Mary I and Queen Victoria
c) Queen Elizabeth I and King James I
d) King Henry VIII and Queen Elizabeth

Williams worked under Queen Elizabeth for most of his life. The last few years were under bisexual King James. Here is a very realistic portrait of James getting his weekly grooming by his handmaids. This picture has rarely been seen.

9. What was the name of Shakespeare's house in Stratford?
a) Palace Green
b) New Place
c) Tara
d) Tallwood

Ahhh… New Place. Home sweet home. I loved my old house with my 10 warm fireplaces and two barns (Yes, the picture shows the house in a city. I never understood why we needed barns in the middle of a city, but whatever! They made great servants quarters.... HAHAHA I'm just kidding. We had no servants! Will was too cheap for them... Not to cheap to hire male prostitutes though!)

I felt so high class when William bought this second largest house in Stratford. It was definitely much more roomier than my current living quarters.

10. Shakespeare's daughter Susanna married this man in 1607:
a) Christopher Marlowe
b) Dr. John Hall
c) Thomas Quiney
d) Simon Callow

HAHA. Chrissy Marlowe would be rolling around in laughter! I already mentioned my Susie married a doctor… John Hall was a good man and very good to my daughter. He did a lot for me when William died, including be in charge of his will. Yes, that's right. Of course my husband would leave another MAN in charge of his will and not his own wife!!! He may have liked to prance around in my clothing, but he certainly did not trust me!

10. In 1608, the King's Men bought which popular theatre?
a) The Swan
b) The Rose
c) Blackfriars Theatre
d) The Globe

Nope, nope, nope! It’s not The Globe! William also produced plays in the winter, which The Globe could not handle. His buddy, Richard Burbage, inherited Blackfriars from his dead father and that’s where they put on their winter shows.

11. When were Shakespeare's collected sonnets first published?
a) 1560
b) 1620
c) 1609
d) 1616

I only knew this one because I was so angry when Thomas Thorpe stole the rights from me! I should have been the one to gain from my husband’s work, but noooo, little Tommy had to go right ahead and steal all 154 of those stupid 14 line pieces of crap. Everyone thinks the King of the English Language made each of his sonnets 14 lines because he had a deep understanding and connection with the English language. Bull! He just ran out of things to say!!

By the way, I have started the Anti-Tommy [Winston- hehe... Geeky middle name] Thorpe Society (ATTS). Please visit www.thorpestolewhatwasrightfullymine.com for more information and to donate to this very deserving cause.

12. What was the first name of Shakespeare's paternal grandfather and where was his farm located?
a) Robert; Stratford
b) Richard; Warwick
c) James; Essex
d) Richard; Snitterfield

Richard had his farm in Snitterfield. William took me past the old farm once when we were courting. I found it very peaceful. Peaceful enough to get pregnant on at least. Like they say in Snitterfield - There's no better place to snog than in Snitterfield.

13. Shakespeare's daughter, Judith, married this man in 1616:
a) Timon Glasdale
b) Thomas Quiney
c) Richard Burbage
d) Edward Allen

Firstly, Richard Burbage?? William's play buddy? Gross. He was like an uncle to Judy. You people are sick these days. No morals.

Secondly, ahhh… Judy… My poor Judy. An unlucky question number for an unlucky girl. Much like many younger siblings, Judy felt she could not live up to high standards set by her older sibling, and therefore fell into the trap of a horrible man. Thomas Quiney was a horribly irresponsible man who failed to get the proper marriage licensures, causing him and my daughter to be excommunicated. Also, 11 days after the wedding, he was charged with adultery or “carnal copulation” as we called it those days. So embarrassing… The poor whore he screwed while he was courting my Judy died leaving a child behind. My family wishes to forget it all.

This family portrait shows:
Back row: William, Dr. John Hall, Judith,
Centre row: ME!!, Susanna, Thomas Quiney
Front row: Elizabeth (Susanna's daughter).

See... Tom even refused to stand for the family picture. What a deadbeat! He's just slouching around on that chair. That was (still is I suppose) an antique!!

On another note, my results to another quiz: You are 40% Juliet. Young, lovely, new to the world. You've led a sheltered life and feel deeply about the things around you; you are capable of earnest, violent emotion. Once you fix yourself upon a path, you can commit to it no matter what.

HAHA... Hilarious. Willy got the idea for Juliet from a dream I had! Of course, he never told anyone that! And don't get me started on iambic pentameter...

Here's the latest Juliet and a recent portrait of me... I think we look pretty similiar, don't you? Hmm... Maybe I should go on MTV's I Want a Famous Face. Or perhaps just get some sun.

So, I suppose I am an expert when it comes to the famous "playwright." I damned well hope so! After all I sacrificed for that bastard, I better know his rotten life!! I mean... I'm just kidding! He was wonderful... amazing... a genius... and you can get all his plays here, on Amazon.com. All the profits go to the Feed Shakespeare's Children Fund (Yes, I understand all his children are dead, but I promise all the money still goes to a good cause!).

*Note: Quizes were provided by about.com and allthetests.com.
*Second note: I know there are two #10's, but 10 was William's favorite number and therefore in his horrific honor, I am leaving my mistake as be.

Respectfully,
Anne Hathaway-Shakespeare-King
(Yes, I was once married to Larry King... A dead girl has to survive deterioration somehow)

Since I have been thawed out from being frozen for 417 years, I have noticed that my husband, William Shakespeare, has become quite the man to talk about. I was rather confused, considering, all he did was write a few plays that were preformed by men in tights and makeup in front of audiences who, for one cent, could come get drunk and get all their cross-dressing men fantasies out for the week... Plus, when they weren't drunk, they were usually off in a corner fornicating (We liked to do a lot of that back then).

I am just baffled that there are people who have dedicated their entire lives to the life of one man. 
Like, look at this guy:

First of all, what in God's name is he looking at?? My hubby up in heaven??

Second of all, this guy, Dr. Ace G. Pilkington (which I swear has to be a fake name), got his DOCTORATE in my husband at Oxford. If you're going to spend the $30,000 a year for an education at Oxford, one of the most prestigious universities in the world, why spend it on a doctorate in one person. Why not a doctorate in English overall??

This is the type of person who gets a masters degree in Arthurian Literature: Literature written about the legendary (made-up) character, King Arthur. I can remember my bewilderment a few years back, when I visited my dear old friend while she was attending university. She was taking a class called "Arthurian Legend" taught by an professor who was an expert in this field. As I sat in on the class, I found myself completely confused. The professor talked as if Arthur was a real person and had once been alive. She spoke of various intellectual discussions she had had with other Arthurian experts about this made-up character, and conferences she had attended where experts presented their amazing Arthurian "findings" to other experts.

And also, just for the record, since I'm from 500 years ago, so I would know: If King Arthur had been alive he wouldn't look like this:

He probably look more like this:

Or, even more likely, like this:

In addition, for the record, while we're on the subject of movie versions of people's lives... My husband DID NOT look like this:

If he had, my horrific, estranged marriage would have been a whole lot better.

Yesterday, while browsing around MindSay for people who had tags of Willy's name, I came upon a young lady by the name of Stargazer911. Stargazer911 expressed her undying love for my husband, and proceeded to call him HER husband. Of course, I couldn't just sit around and read these obvious lies, so I calmly left her an adult message:

Your husband?? Your husband? William was married to me!! That dirty bastard!!! I would kill him if he wasn't already dead! (I was going to add Get your hands off of him you bitch! but I decided against it).

Her response was downright unlady-like:

Who are you and what is this nonsense about you married to MY hubby?   Don't  you call him names I say!  I see you for what you are, an imposter!  You want to rub off on his fame don't you?  Well I must warn you, don't you dare dare!!!  I am a very loyal and disillusioned wife as you can see your grace.

She then wandered over to my blog and left a message about the spiritual awakening she experienced after meeting my husband. In my time, spirtual anythings were related to God, the heavenly father, NOT to my husband. Of all people, my husband would be the worst to discuss anything spiritual with. He believed in the old Greek gods of Apollo and Olympus (look at the gods who are in or mentioned in his plays).

I find you Americans (I believe that's what a lot of you call yourselves, although I am not sure. I am still trying to figure out what this word is because it did not exist in my time) to be very odd people. I do not believe any group quite like yours existed in my time. We certainly didn't dedicate our lives to ancient people. Except maybe Socrates... or Plato... or Homer (However, I believe you study him too... Although, we had no work where he said the phrase, "DOH!" ).

The other day I read about a very unique case in Germany about a cannibal named Armin Meiwes. From the time he was a little boy, Meiwes had fantasies about eating people. As a boy, he dreamt about comsuming his classmates, and when he grew up, he built a slaughtering room in his home.

Meiwes searched for other people like him, and finally, with the birth of the internet, he was able them. He found a site where other people with fantasies like his liked to share their sick and twisted dreams. He placed an ad on the internet to intice someone to come "play" with him.

A man by the name of Bernd Brandes read the ad and was intrigued. He contacted Meiwes, bought a one-way airplane ticket, and flew out to see him. Meiwes and Brandes had hours of sex and then Brandes asked Meiwes to stab him to death. It would be the ultimate sexual experience. Stab him to death - and then EAT him.

Meiwes could finally re-enacted his ultimate fantasy. He stabbed Brandes to death, chopped up his body, and stored the pieces in his freezer. Every day, over the next few months, he thawed out Brandes, piece by piece, and ate him for dinner.

Meiwes was caught, arrested, and stood trial. But was a really a murderer? He had only done what Brandes had asked him. It was no different than other forms of euthanasia. He was helping Brandes to die, as Brandes had wished.

What do you think? Do you think Meiwes should be convicted for murder? If he is convicted should he be convicted for first degree murder, second degree murder, or manslaughter? Should he get off on insanity?

Definitions of murder convictions:

First-degree murder (or murder in the first degree, or colloquially, murder one) refers to premeditated murder, or murder which occurs after some degree of reflection by the murderer. This reflection can be years or less than a second.

Second-degree murder or voluntary manslaughter refers to murder done without thought in the heat of the moment, or in some states after "adequate provocation."

Third-degree murder, also known as manslaughter or involuntary manslaughter, occurs without the specific intent to kill, but usually after an act of criminal negligence or some other act resulting in a person's death.

The Insanity Defense are possible defenses by excuse, via which a defendant may argue that they should not be held criminally liable for breaking the law, as they were mentally ill or mentally incompetent at the time of their allegedly "criminal" actions.

*UPDATE*  Specific details per Mullows's request: (Added 4/28 and 4/29)

Gory details:

The evidence in the case was lurid.

The victim, 43-year-old Jürgen Brandes, a computer specialist, traveled from Berlin to Meiwes' home near the city of Kassel in 2001 in reply to an Internet advertisement seeking a young man for 'slaughter and consumption.'

After sex at Brandes' request, they cut off his engorged penis which they fried and tried to eat. Losing consciousness, Brandes was killed by Meiwes, who stabbed him and carved his body like an animal's.

The trial judge said Meiwes' thrill was in the carving and consumption, not the slaying. Meiwes ate 20 kilograms (44 pounds) of the flesh -- accompanied by pepper sauce or wine sauce with potatoes -- and stored more in a freezer before burying the rest.

He has become a minor celebrity and a media company has acquired the rights to make a film about his life.

Meiwes told the trial last year he regretted the killing, but Brandes "came to me of his free will to end his life." The gruesome incident was all captured on camcorder. "I had the fantasy, and in the end I fulfilled it," he said. The fantasy first developed between the ages of eight and 12, he added.

Mr Meiwes spoke of how he felt ignored by his father, and longed for a good-looking younger brother - whom he would bind to himself forever by consuming.

Meiwes said he was not acting out of sexual desire when he killed Brandes, but rather out of loneliness and the desire for the brother he never had. I wanted "someone to be part of me," he told the court.

What do you think?

 
Armin Meiwes: "The Master Butcher"

NOTE: Cannibalism is not a crime in Germany.

This topic has seemed to have struck a cord in us bloggers considering my blog on it recieved #1 top blog yesterday. It too, struck a cord in me, when I first read about it, and I was glad to see, after reading all of your responses so far, that you all agree with me: Meiwes should be convicted for murder.

However, I must state before I continue on to tell you all the result of this case, that after doing more investigation into the case, I discovered Meiwes videotaped the entire incident and provided the defense with email from Brandes asking to be killed, giving the defense physical evidence that their client was indeed telling the truth: his victim had ASKED to be killed.

But, in my opinion, regardless of the fact that Brandes asked Meiwes to kills him, Meiwes still must be considered a murderer and should be tried and convicted as so.  He premeditated the murder of another person, planning out way before that particular bloody night in March 2001 that he was going to kill this man Brandes. If my sister asked me to shoot her and I did, I would be considered a murderer, simple as that.

The defense argued it was assisted suicide. Meiwes was helping Brandes end his life.  However, in the case of assisted suicide, it usually occurs in when a person is uncapable of ending their own life themselves (hense the name assisted suicide). In assisted suicide, a person is ending their own life, is committing suicide, via the aid of another person because they themselves cannot physically do it on their own. That person is, in a sense, acting in place of the person committing suicide. I'm not going to argue whether assisted suicide is right or wrong. I am merely stating that this is what assisted suicide means.

Meiwes was not assisting Brandes in a suicide that Brandes was physically unable to commit himself. Brandes was a healthy man in his 40's with no disabilities. Meiwes murdered Brandes.

I also discovered that in Germany there are only two types of murder: Murder (both premeditated and unpremeditated) and manslaughter (same as our meaning: without intent to murder or by accident).

Without further ado, here are the results of the most famous and sensational German trial of the 21st century: The trial of Arwin Meiwes, also known as "The Master Butcher":

Meiwes was arrested in December 2002, after apparently posting new requests for victims on the internet. A young man who read one of the ads reported it to the police.

Meiwes was convicted of manslaughter and sentenced to 8 and a half years in prison in 2004; the case attracted considerable media attention and also led to a debate over whether Meiwes could be convicted at all given that Brandes had voluntarily and knowingly participated in the act. Evidence provided by the defense was a video tape made my Meiwes of the entire incident.

During the trial Meiwes' lawyer, Harald Ermel, cited e-mails in which the victim insisted on being killed and eaten. One read: "There's absolutely no way back for me, only forwards, through your teeth."

Meiwes' video of the killing in March 2001, as well as a note left by Bandes in his apartment saying he was a willing victim, persuaded even prosecutors to concede the death was voluntary.

Media and observers were kept outside while the tape was shown to the court. One newspaper said a woman almost fainted during the film, which shows Meiwes talking to the severed head while he disembowels the body, hung from a hook.

Emotionless and calm, Meiwes recalled how he began the killing by cutting off the victim's penis at the victim's request, how they fried it in a pan and tried but failed to eat it.

Brandes: A new kind of sausage.

Meiwes then told how they waited for hours until the victim, weakened by loss of blood from his wound, fell unconscious.

He then stabbed Brandes to death, cut him in pieces and ate 20 kilograms of him over the following months, defrosting pieces portion by portion. Psychiatric experts have found Meiwes to be sane and fit to stand trial.

He told the court he had fantasized since puberty about consuming a man. But he said he regretted the deed and would not repeat it. "I had my big kick and don't need to do this any more," he told the court.

However, several witnesses in the case disagreed, citing personal examples of meetings they had with Meiwes after replying to his ads.

One man, Jorg Bose, testified that he had agreed to become the second victim of Armin Meiwes. Bose, the first of five men who initially agreed to become Meiwes' supper and for various reasons never made it to the dinner table, said that he, like Brandes, met Meiwes on an internet cannibalism bulletin board about five years ago and they kept up an email dialogue where they discussed their fantasies. Bose said that shortly after he arrived at Meiwes' home he removed his clothes and Meiwes strung him up on a meat hook, then using a pulley, brought him over a butcher table where his body was smeared in oil and Meiwes marked out his body for butchering. Bose said he finally began to feel ill and Meiwes let him off the hook. He said he left soon after.

Dirk Moller, 27, a London-based hotel worker, was the second witness. He told the court how he was chained to a bed by Meiwes and also had his body marked out for butchery before changing his mind and released. Like the other two, Moller said he met Meiwes on the internet where Moller outlined his desire to be killed and eaten by Meiwes. But Moller got cold feet after they met in person and Meiwes showed him a video of Bose hung up on the meat hook.

Meiwes agreed that everything both witnesses had said was true.

This month, a German court ordered a retrial after prosecutors appealed against his sentence. They believed he should have been given a life sentence for murder, and not the one for manslaughter. A date for the new trial has not been set.

Meiwes is undergoing psychotherapy in prison and is a model prisoner. If he continues, he should be out in 2008 on good behavior. He is currently writing a book on how he came to live his ultimate fantasy.  

The song "Mein Teil" by German metal band Rammstein was inspired by the case (Here are the English version of the lyrics). In 2004, a German filmmaker announced plans to make a movie about the German cannibal entitled Your Heart In My Head; it has already received funding from a regional film foundation and is in production.

(Taken from various news sources)

Since I am a fan of stupid news (and a teacher), I figured I'd share an incident that I read about this morning.

On Thursday, April 28, someone called authorities after seeing a boy carrying something long and wrapped into Marshall Junior High in Clovis, New Mexico. City, County and State Police arrived at the scene and searched the premises. Meanwhile, 30 parents, after being alerted by radio, descended on the school, visibily shaken and awaiting news of their children who were in lockdown. After authorities found that no one was in immediate danger, lockdown was lifted and 75 students were pulled out of the school by their parents.

The principal, still wanting to get down to the bottom of this mystery, brought all the staff and students into the auditorium to explain what was going on. Did anyone see anything suspicious this morning? Does anyone know of a large, wrapped weapon that one of their classmates brought into school? It was ok to tell... It was for their safety and for the safety of their classmates.

An eighth grader sat in his seat feeling uneasy. He knew the student with the suspicious looking package his principal and the authorities were talking about was him. After the assembly, the student approached his principal. "Ummm... I think I'm the person they saw," he told her.

The boy whipped out his huge, 30-inch weapon of mass destruction and the principal began to laugh. In the boy's hands was a 30-inch burrito filled with steak, guacamole, lettuce, salsa and jalapenos, which was wrapped inside tin foil.

How sad it is that our society has become so scared...

What the Dutchess of Wales is getting done today.

For you to enjoy... or be disgusted by...

Ear Coning/Candling Instructions Preparation: Cut an off center hole in the fire retardant cloth large enough for the adapter to fit through easily. Have a glass or ceramic bowl with water close by. Insert the tapered end of the candle into the white end of the adapter. Place the fire retardant cloth over the client to protect their head, make sure to line up the hole with the ear. Insert the adapter with the candle into the ear check to make sure it is in comfortably for the client. Shown here without the cloth for demonstration purposes only. Light the end of the candle, make sure you have a good flame on the ear candle. When the candle burns down 1 ½ “ to 2 “ trim the candle carefully with a pair of scissors. Try to hang on to the ash with the scissors and drop it in your bowl of water. The ash will still be very hot and can burn you or the client. If you do not cut all the way through, you will be able to tear the last portion of what you are trimming which makes it easier to hold on to the ash and drop it in the bowl. Continue to let the candle burn down to about 2-3” trimming as needed. Gently remove the candle and adapter from the ear and extinguish the flame by placing the candle in the bowl of water. Use a pair of scissors to cut open the candle. The earwax is drawn up into the candle and mixes with the beeswax of the candle during the coning. The dark spots or patches in the wax, is the earwax. The powder that you will see is residue from the candle.

I was really confused because for the last couple weeks everything I've been saying about the secrets of the show has revealed itself to be true, and now, there are pretty much NO secrets left to be shown. There is only one secret left (Who is Dana/Zach's father?) and I'm sure the show will reveal it by the end of the season.

Everything else we've been wondering about we now know. But this morning, people were calling into the radio saying stuff like, "I just don't know how Felicty Tilman, Martha's sister, knows Zach and Mary-Alice. I am so confused! I think maybe she is Zach's real mother!" or "Who's the woman in the box and who killed her?"

I think maybe people are missing episodes or something, because we know all these answers. And so, to help squelch my annoyance at the people who were calling in this morning and for those of you who are confused about all the connections in Desperate Housewives as well, here is the story laid out in order:

16 years or so years ago, a young pregnant drug addict by the name of Deirdre, entered into a drug rehab clinic. She gave birth to a baby boy, whom she named Dana, but since she was in rehabilitation, she was unable to care for him. Therefore, a loving clinic worker named Angela took the little child in as her foster child. She and her husband immediately fell in love with the baby.

When Deirdre got out of the rehab clinic she came to Angela's home to get her baby. Angela and her husband had grown attached to Dana. How could they give over this baby that had become their own to this "rehabilitated" drug addict and dealer who would most likely go right back to dealing the second she got back out on the street?? They couldn't do that to this little boy who had become their child. Maybe they couldn't have children of their own and this little boy whom they loved so much, was their only chance at parenthood.

So, they killed Deirdre. From the way it sounds, with his awful temper, Paul most likely snapped and killed her, but Angela was an accomplice. They chopped up her body, stuffed in Dana's toy chest, packed their bags, and ran away. They moved to Wysteria Lane and burried the toy chest in their backyard. They changed their names to Mary-Alice, Paul and Zach.

15 years later, Martha Huber, Angela/Mary-Alice and Paul's neighbor, went sneaking around and discovered her neighbors' secret. Greedy and wanting money, she decided to exploit her neighbors, and so she sent Mary-Alice a note: "I know what you did" hoping Mary-Alice would try to pay her off to keep quiet. Instead, most likely riddled with extreme guilt from keeping this horrible secret for so many years, Mary-Alice shot herself. Frightened the someone knew about their secret, Paul dug up Deirdre's body, and threw the toy chest containing her remains into the local river.

Paul, wanting to find out who had sent his wife this horrible note that had led to her suicide, hired a private investigator. The investigator discovered the stationary belonged to Martha Huber. Paul confronted Martha, who explained that she never intended for Mary-Alice to kill herself - she only wanted money. However, she felt Mary-Alice deserved to kill herself because only horrible people steal children from their birth mothers. Paul, enraged by Martha's insincerity and wanting to bury his horrible family secret, killed Martha.

After Martha's death, Felicty Tilman, Martha's sister, came to Wysteria Lane to tie up any of her sister's loose ends. She knew her sister was murdered and she suspected it was her sister's neighbor, Paul. She knew Paul's secret as well. She too, many years ago, had worked at the very same drug rehab clinic as Angela. She knew Angela had taken in little baby Dana. And she knew the child's birth mother disappeared and shortly following, so did her coworker Angela with the child.

She didn't feel Angela/Mary-Alice had done anything wrong. She knew was drug addicts were like. Angela and her husband did a noble thing. They gave baby Dana a home he never would have recieved if he had been raised by his drug dealer mother, Deirdre. Deirdre was dirt - Felicia did not care if she died. She was a waste of life anyway.

However, Felicia's sister, Martha disagreed. She had not worked at a clinic and she did not know how drug-addicts were. She saw her neighbors at kidnappers and murderers. She argued with her sister about this. Felicty told her sister to leave them alone, but Martha was greedy and figured she could benefit from their dirty secret.

After living at Wysteria Lane for a while, Felicia saw how torn apart her old coworkers family had become since her death. Paul seemed to have a temper and he seemed to be telling his son Zach awful lies, which were harming Zach mentally. She took to Zach and tried to fill in for the absense of his wonderful caring mother. She bagan to invite him over for tea and told him the truth about his existence. She felt he should know where he came from and know why his "mother," Mary-Alice, had done what she did. She showed him photo albums of Angela at work around the time he was born. She told him she liked his original name, Dana, much better than Zach.

Paul, realizing that Zach was spending a lot of time with Felicia, began to drug his son with sleeping pills in order to keep him tired and sleepy until Paul packed up their things and could move them away from Wysteria Lane forever. Felicty, however, found out. Being a former nurse at a drug rehab clinic, she knew a lot about drugs and what someone looked like when they were on them.

She took Zach to her home and told Paul that she knew all of his secrets. She always felt her and Angela/Mary-Alice had done the right thing by taking Dana/Zach and giving him a good home, but now she felt Paul was falling apart and this was not the best thing for poor Zach. She told Paul to take off and never come back - she would finish raising Zach herself. She would give him the home he needed right now - the home Paul hadn't been able to provide since his wife's suicide.

What do we know about Deirdre?? Mike Delfino was involved with Deirdre. He loved her - even as she spiraled into a dark place on drugs. He wanted to protect her and she hated him for it. Deirdre's dealing got out of hand and a cop discovered her little habit. He raped Deirdre and told her he would keep quiet if she was quiet about his forced sex. Mike, attempting to rescue Deirdre, got into a fight with the cop and the cop pulled out a weapon. They fought and both of them fell over a balcony. The cop died, but Mike lived. Mike didn't tell the police why he had been in a fight with the cop. He wanted to make sure Deirdre was clean from any wrong-doing. However, he couldn't protect her when he was in prison. While he was in jail, Deirdre went missing. When he got out of jail, he began to search for his love's killer. Funded by Deirdre's father, Mike spent his life moving from place to place in search of who could have murdered his old girlfriend. It it unclear whether or not Dana/Zach is Mike's biological child or the cop who raped Deirdre. This it the only mystery left to be revealed.

And there you have it... The mystery of Desperate Housewives is solved. 

This morning, my favorite morning radio program, posed an intriguing question to its audience. They were discussin Desperate Housewives and the character of Bree Van De Kamp. For those of you that don't watch the show, Bree has recently started spending a lot of time with a man who isn't her husband. Bree doesn't constitute it as cheating because it isn't physical. She says he is merely a friend she likes to do fun stuff with and tell her innermost secrets, thoughts, wishes and dreams to. Another character in the show, whom she tells this, tells her it is a form of cheating. Why would she need to tell another man her innermost thoughts? Shouldn't she be telling her husband?

And so I pose the same question to you: Does talking to a member of the opposite sex and telling them your innermost secrets, your dreams, your wishes, your hopes - the things you typically only tell your lover - constitute as cheating? What about spending time with another person who isn't your significant other? Does cheating only involve something physical? Is there a such thing as emotional cheating? And what would you do if you discovered your significant other had been pouring out his/her heart to someone of the opposite sex, while he/she had not been sharing the same with you??

Today, I read an article in the "Odd News" section of Yahoo about a newlywed couple in Shanghai who are filing a lawsuit against a hotel after the groom tumbled off the bed and broke his arm during "bedroom fun and games" (A tradition in China where the family of the newlywed couple get to tease and heckle the new couple - whatever that means...).  The groom said the facilities at the hotel were unsafe and they resulted in the $2,500 operation he had to have on his broken arm.

"My husband slipped right after he stood up on the bed to get ready for the games," the wife told the Shanghai Daily. "It happened within seconds without any big movement."

Ummmm.... Without any big movement? How about your husband stood on a soft, plush bed and lost his balance because beds aren't made to be stood on!!! How is that the hotel's fault? I'm confused. I didn't realize that if I jump on a bed in a hotel and fall from it, it's the hotel's fault because their bed was just too damn cushiony and unstable. Didn't this man's mother ever tell him to never jump on the bed?

I suppose all hotels should now make you sign a disclaimer stating, The hotel will not be held responsible for any injury resulting from unsafe hotel room actions. Unsafe hotel room actions included in this disclaimer are as follows:

• Jumping on the bed.
• Standing on the bed.
• Anything that is not laying or sitting on the bed, since that's what a bed is for.
• Weird sex.
• Sexual encounters on slippery surfaces such as the toilet, sink, or bath tub.
• Any foreplay that occurs on the balcony.
• Diseases ensued during sexual acts on the unwashed top sheet of the bed or hotel room loveseat, where a million other hotel guests have also performed their sexual acts.

It will be as prevalant as "CAUTION: CONTAINS HOT LIQUID" on fast food restaurant coffee cups.

What's stupider than all of this though is that the couple got married after the start of the Chinese new year. This is the year of the rooster, believed to be a jinxed and unlucky year for any couple to tie the knot! Come on! What were they thinking!!? ;-)

North Korean children play a shooting game with a toy gun aiming at a portrait of U.S. President George W. Bush at Namjun kindergarten in Shinwiju, Pyongan-Budo, North Korea. The photo was released by Korean Central News Agency (KCNA) on May 9, 2005. (Reuters)

This is not quite the kind of game we play in American kindergarten...

In honor of today's two year anniversary between myself, the great Dutchess of Wales, and Sir Mullows, I have decided to steal from another great one- Conan O'Brien.

On Conan's show he plays a game called "If They Mated," where two seemingly normal-gened people are crossed to create a strange looking offspring. Since this day is dedicated to the two-year love between me and Mullows, I felt the need to see what our children would look if we mated.

Here we are... Two fine looking specimens:

And this is what we would look like if we mated:

Wowza!! I can hardly believe my mothering eyes!! How beautiful!! I always wanted both a girl and a boy and it looks like I can have both in one child!!

Since every day is dedicated to the love of my wonderful boyfriend's wonderful boy friend (or wonderful archenemisis), Uncle Nasty, I decided to see what it would be like if Mullows and Uncle Nasty mated (although, I'm sure we all hope that that never happens).

Look at those studs:

And here is their love child:

WOAHHHHHH... Look at that arm!! Grrr!! How scary! This guy could kick my son-daughter's ass!

"But what about a threesome, Dutchess?" you say. I've already got that covered. Here is what the offspring would look like if I had been raped by Mullows and Uncle Nasty at the same time and both of their genes mixed together with mine to create a living creature:

Somehow a kangaroo's genes got mixed in there. I'm not too sure how... Wait, is that thing trying to crush a little baby kangaroo's head? I'm not too sure this is my child... I think this is a picture of Captain Kangaroo when he was little...

And there you have it - The season premiere and finale of The Dutchess of Wales If They Mated Game. I hope you enjoyed it. Happy anniversary and good day mate.

The Urban Legends & Subliminal Messages of

I'm sure we've all heard and talked about (and have maybe even seen) the infamous sexually-related scenes which have alledgedly sneaked their way into various Walt Disney cartoons. Since I had only seen a few of them with my own eyes, I decided to take it upon myself to find still images of these scenes and show them to my fellow bloggers on MindSay, as well as post a few notable comments about each that I found from various sites.

And so, I present to you the urban legends and subliminal messages of Walt Disney cartoons:

The Rescuers

I actually remember my dad coming home one day, years ago, with a copy of The Rescuers (one of my least favorite Disney cartoons). He popped it into the VCR and fast forwarded to a scene where Bernard and Bainca are flying through the city on the bird. It took him a few tries, but when he finally paused at the right spot, you could see a real cropped photograph placed into the background in one of the animated building's windows. The picture was of a topless model.

It seems that someone at Disney had had a little fun. Disney quickly recalled the version of the film... But of course, we still own it for kicks. ;-)

The Little Mermaid

When I was younger and The Little Mermaid first came out on video, I can remember friends of mine telling me to look carefully at the cover of the tape. One of the towers looks like a penis. Snopes.com (a website dedicated to urban legends) talked to the actual artist who drew the cover and the artist apparently fully intended for the tower to look like a penis, although when he had finished the cover, he realized that it was actually a bit too obvious. The artwork was sent for approval with the assumption that some changes would be required, but no such request was ever made and so the cover was released with a not-very-hidden phallus on it.

Also, there is some suggestion that in the scene where Eric and Ursula are about to get married, the priest has an erection. However, there is equally as much suggestion that in fact what can be seen is merely his knee. 

Erection?

 
Or knee?

The Lion King

This subliminal message caused some parents to boycott the movie's video sales, demanding the film be taken off the shelves because of it's sexual message. In the scene where Simba watches his father die, the word “SEX” is briefly formed in the clouds above his head. Some observers think that the hidden word is actually the letters “SFX”, referring to Disney's Special Effects department. Perhaps those artists are still having their underground revolution.

Aladdin

A few months ago, my sister and I decided to watch this favorite of ours.  After watching a particular scene, and rewinding it several times, we were convinced we had heard Aladdin say, "Come on kids, take of your clothes."

It occured in the scene in which Aladdin, disguised as Prince Ali, flies up to Jasmine's balcony on his magic carpet to convince her that he is not just another self-absorbed, empty-headed prince. When Aladdin steps onto the balcony, Jasmine's tiger Rajah threatens him and backs him up against the railing. As Rajah growls, Aladdin tries to shoo him away with his turban and then supposedly whispers, "Good teenagers, take off your clothes."

Apparently the mistake occured during editing. Disney stated that the script had the line as "C'mon . . . good kitty. Take off and go." However, closed captioning says, "Good Kitty. Take off." A close listening to the audio track, Snopes.com says, reveals Aladdin speaking the words "C'mon . . . good kitty," and just as Aladdin says the word "kitty," a second voice begins to whisper, "Pssst . . . take off your clo . . ." Who this second voice is, and exactly what he says, is a mystery. There is no other character in the scene who could have said it. You can listen to the actual line here.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit

This time, there is a distinctly "Basic Instinct" type shot when Jessica Rabbit bounces out a Taxi - it only lasts for two frames.

So today on MindSay, I've decided to share a very personal, deep dark secret of mine. This is something I am so ashamed about, I haven't even been able to share it with anyone and certainly not my amazing, wonderful, giving boyfriend - one of your favorite bloggers - Mullows. I thought long and hard about how I would tell him this secret - this horrible betrayal that would crush our relationship. After staying up all night pondering this situation, I finally decided that if I told him through MindSay, the blow and weight of this secret might not be as crushing.

The secret is...

I had an affair.

That's right... I know... Little, innocent, good, kind-hearted Dutchess cheated on poor, humble Mullows. It is so sad. I cannot believe I was led astray from his love... But it happened... And now I must come clean with the full story.

It all started about three months ago. I had graduated from college and now I was home for good (or at least until I saved up enough money to move out). One day, I decided to clean out my closet and I came upon an old friend from my childhood. His name was Charlie, and he was a cowboy troll.

Charlie and I began to talk every night. We talked about life, about love, about philosophy. I told him all about Mullows and how much I was in love with him. He said that it was wonderful I had met the love of my life... And then he told me to rub the jewel on his belly. I thought this to be an odd request, but I had a lot of guilt over the fact that I had kept Charlie in the back of my closest for so long, so I did as he asked. He muttered some sort of weird language as I did it, but I figured it was a sound similar to something a cat would make when you petted it.

And then something happened. As if a spell had been cast one me, I fell in love with Charlie. I made up stories and told Mullows I could not see him because I was working. I longed for the moments I could just be with Charlie in my arms.

It was magic. I couldn't resist from kissing him and rubbing the little blue diamond on his belly, the little jewel that seemed to make me fall in love with him.

He'd sleep (well, he actually didn't sleep because trolls don't sleep) next to me and whisper things in my ear as I slept. I wasn't always sure what they were. They were usually in the same strange tounge I couldn't understand, but he assured me the words meant "I love you" in his troll language.

He sat on my desk as I typed to Mullows and he told me what to write. I got this horrible feeling in my stomach every time I typed the lies to Mullows. Something inside of me was telling me it was wrong. But for some reason I was in love with Charlie and that love made me lie.

One day, I came home from work and Charlie was lying on the floor dead. I was so upset! What had happened to my poor love-troll!? After giving him mouth to mouth and reviving him, he told me that during the day, while I was at work, he had died from missing me. I couldn't believe that by merely being away from me, he had died!! I knew I would have to quit work and never be away from Charlie again!

Charlie entertained me every day since I no longer had work to occupy my time. He'd do little strip-teases for me... It was so exciting! He was quite the hot troll!

Every morning, he'd wake up and make himself look handsome for me. Or at least I thought that's what he was doing. He'd kind of just stare into the mirror and murmur the weird language under his breath. He'd be in a trance for a while... But when I asked him about it, he told me he was simply concentrating on his love for me.

But then things began to get ugly... I couldn't take being around Charlie 24/7. I missed Mullows and I longed for our long talks. I missed his cute voice and the way his kisses felt on my cheek. I told Charlie I no longer wanted to be with him. I was going back to Mullows for good. However, Charlie did not like this and told me he would not accept it. He screamed at me in an evil troll voice. I couldn't understand what he was saying, but it sounded like it was some sort of spell. I felt the urge to hold Charlie and kiss him as I once did, but I fought it. My love for Mullows was strong and it seemed to be fighting with something unnatural that was occuring inside of me when Charlie spoke those strange sounds to me.

Charlie began to follow me everywhere I went. Even to the bathroom...

He checked on me every minute. He peered around my door.

Eventually, I just got so tired of him and threw him out!! The trashman took him away the next day.

Once Charlie was gone, I began to search through the belongings... I found some very incriminating photos, such as the one above. It seemed that Charlie had a lot of girls under his spell!! I questioned my Angel Candle and she told me that once she too had been in love with Charlie, but then she found out he was really a voodoo troll and not the cowboy troll he had claimed to be. "He would mutter all these weird sounds and claim it was just his troll language. But them I asked Foriegn Language Specialist Troll about it and she translated what he had been saying. Turns out it was some sort of spell, that begins with rubbing his blue belly jewel!" she told me.

She also told me that Charlie had used the same "I died from missing you" line on her. Turns out trolls can't even die!

I couldn't believe it!! No wonder I had fallen so quickly for such an ugly being!! Angel Candle told me that the spell could only be broken if you're love was stronger for someone else. My love for Mullows could not be broken or destroyed and once it gained enough strength it killed the spell!

I never saw Charlie again... But I know he's still out there. Putting unsuspecting girls under his spell. I can only hope that these ladies have a love that is strong enough as mine was to break Charlie's evil troll spell. For I have learned that a strong love can conquer anything...

When I was in college, I took an international folklore class. It ended up being one of my favorite classes because all we ever did was read the original versions of various fairy tales and compare them to how we know them today.

In most original fairy tale versions, there is no happy ending for the main character, and if there is, you can sure bet that there is another character that meets some horrific fate. The original versions were written or told to teach a lesson to children, to scare them into not misbehaving. For example, in the original version of Little Red Riding Hood, the little girl stops to talk to the wolf, after being warn by her parents not to talk to strangers. Little Red Riding Hood tells the wolf all about her grandmother and how she's going there and where she lives, and therefore the wolf is able to find the grandmother's house, eat her, disguise himself as the grandmother, and eat Little Red Ridng Hood. Everyone dies because Little Red Riding Hood talked to a stranger. This taught children not to talk to strangers.

However, these days, when we tell a child that story, we include the brave woodcutter who rescues Little Red Riding Hood before the wolf eats her and cuts the undigested grandmother out of the wolf, saving her as well.

This type of alteration of the original version also occurs in The Three Little Pigs. The original version calls for the first two pigs' to be eaten by the big bad wolf and die... However, most of us tell little kids that the first two pigs ran to their brother's brick house for protection, saving them from death.

This is more prevalent than you think. Here are some examples of Disney's alterations of the classic versions of famous fairy tales:

Cinderella

 vs.

Cinderella is probably the most famous of all classic Disney fairy-tales (next to maybe Snow White). In most every classic version of Cinderella, she ends up with the Prince, just as she does in the Disney version. However, the fate for evil stepsisters is very different...

In the Disney version, as you can recall, the two stepsisters attempt to squeeze their big, ugly feet into a tiny, dainty glass slipper. They try and try to no avail. Finally, Cinderella is revealed. The shoe fits Cinderella, the Prince marries her, and the two stepsisters have to live the rest of their lives knowing that their servant was chosen by the prince and not them.

In the classic version, the two stepsisters do not merely try to squeeze their big, ugly feet into the shoe. They in fact cut their feet to fit. One sister cuts of some toes, another her heel. The Prince believes the shoe fits only until he sees the blood and realizes what the women have done. After Cinderella is revealed and the prince marries her, birds come and attack the two sisters and peck out their eyes. They are left with no eyes and therefore and can no longer be obsessed with beauty.

Pocohontas

 vs.

Probably my most favorite of all Disney movies is Pocohontas. After seeing it, I became obsessed with finding out as much as I could about the real American-Indian girl the movie was based on.

In the film version, Indian princess Pocohontas saves her love, British voyager John Smith, from death by jumping in front of him when her people were going to kill him for accidentally killing on their own. At the end, John Smith goes back to England, and Pocohontas stays back to help her people.

There was a sequal version of the film in which Pocohontas leaves her land and people to go to England (I believe she wants to find medicine and come back).

In the real story, Pocohontas was like 11-years-old and John Smith was around 30. She did jump in front of him, but they did not fall in love. Eventually, when she got older, she met a British man who took her back over to England. She married him and changed her name to Elizabeth and then caught the plague and died.

The Little Mermaid

 vs.

This is my favorite variation of a fairy tale. In the movie version, we all know Ariel gives up her beautiful voice in order to change herself from a mermaid to a human in order to meet the prince and experience real human life. The prince is put under a spell by an evil octopus, Ursulla, who has transformed herself in a beautiful human girl with Ariel's beautiful voice. Just before the prince marries this other girl, Ariel is revealed to be his true love and in the end they all live happily ever after.

In the real version, the mermaid transforms herself into a human. She falls in love with the prince, but he falls in love with another woman and marries her. The mermaid feels that if she can't have the prince, no one will, and she decides to kill him. However, she realizes she loves him too much to take his life and in turn, she turns the knife on herself and stabs herself to death.

Sleeping Beauty

 vs.

This is probably one of the least popular classic Disney cartoons, but it's still interested to see the differences between Disney's version and the original version.

In the Disney film, the princess pricks her finger on a spindle that has been cursed by  an evil witch, which casts a spell on her entire kingdom causing them to all fall into a deep sleep. The spell can only be broken when the princess receives a kiss from a handsome prince. The prince comes and rescues the princess, kissing her and breaking the spell. Everyone lives happily ever after.

In the real version, the princess also pricks her finger on a cursed spindle, which causes her to fall into a deep sleep, which again, can only be broken by the kiss of a prince. However, hundreds of years go by and everyone dies. A new prince hears about the story of the sleeping beauty, finds her and kisses her, breaking the spell. The princess marries the prince and they live happily ever after.

So, why do we change the original versions of the fairy tales into not-so-gruesome versions? Why do we not have the characters die or experience extreme misfortune? Is the original moral lost with these changes? Is Disney, the most influential alterers of the original versions, to blame? Which versions do you prefer?

Here are some items I found today. I was going to write captions, but I think maybe they speak for themselves:

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=551&item=7325737101&rd=1
ABSTRACT PAINTING BY: MY MONKEY "GUS"
$38.00, 12 bids, 3 days left

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=1469&item=5584627861&rd=1
I FOUND THE JESUS MULTI-VITAMIN - a true mystery miracle!
$0.99, 0 bids, 8 days left

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=1469&item=5584621548&rd=1
DEMON CAUGHT ON SONOGRAM - REALLY FREAKY!
Not a joke, do not look with small children around!
$0.01, 1 bid, 8 days left

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=1469&item=5584456651&rd=1
BEST FRIEND AFRAID TO GET A BRAZILIAN WAX
$10.50, 4 bids, 4 days left

 
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=1467&item=5582999249&rd=1
MYSTERY OBJECT I TOOK FROM ALIEN BEINGS AND DRAWING
I took this item from the aliens space ship look
$6.07, 8 bids, 2 days left

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=88433&item=5584698313&rd=1
HELP SEND A PATRIOTIC 10 YEAR OLD TO MILITARY CAMP
$2.00 Buy it Now, 0 bids, 6 days left

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=102534&item=5584632001&rd=1
THE MYSTERY IN A BOTTLE !!! NO ENVELOPE NO KEY
$11.50, 4 bids, 8 days left

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=1469&item=5584834293&rd=1
CARRIE THE NEW **IDOL** ON TOAST
$0.99, 0 bids, 6 days left

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=1469&item=5583981430&rd=1
SATAN IS IN MY GARLIC! DEVIL HEAD! IT'S POSSESSED! WOW!
$8.30, 7 bids, 3 days left

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=1469&item=5583568068&rd=1
UNIQUE DEVICE & HAT TO WARD OFF ALIEN UFO ENCOUNTERS
$0.99, 1 bid, 1 day left

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=1469&item=5583106049&rd=1
 UNIQUE MARKETING OPPORNTUNITY!!
$1.04, 13 bids, 11 hours left

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=1469&item=5583781667&rd=1

PRESS RELEASE FROM THE YEAR 2104!
Must read! Montreal Expos win the 2104 Universe Series!!
$0.99, 1 bid, 2 days left

"All of the pretty girls say that others shouldn't be so self concious. Have they seen how thin they are? I envy them and their ignorance. Once they have been in my place they will understand."
~SputterSpark @ thinspire.bravehost.com http://thinspire.bravehost.com/myview.html

After reading an article about a new growing trend and seeing pictures of already thin Lindsay Lohan's new 20-pound-less figure, I had to write a blog about something that I really take to heart...

The Associated Press printed a story today about girls who have been joining a group that can be compared to nothing short of a cult. The group (or religion as some girls call it) is called "Ana." Ana is the goddess they worship. She tells them that they are fat and ugly and that in order to be perfect they must starve themselves or purge. They have a prayer, a psalm, and a creed all members follow. BlueDragonFly.org even sells Ana bracelets to wear so that you can notice other secret members.

Ana has a sister. Her name is Mia. Together, Ana and Mia affect around 10 million females each day. They both love to murder. They want their "children" to die. Over one person's lifetime, at least 50,000 individuals will die as a direct result of their eating disorder. Without treatment, up to twenty percent (20%) of people with serious eating disorders die.

They like their followers young. The younger, the better.

Lindsay Lohan, once a very pretty movie star, has recently lost 20 pounds. She looks like she went through a concentration camp. Her ribs stick out of her back and her collar bone out of her chest... She claims it from exercise, but I see no muscle (which should be there is she's really exercising). Only the remnants of a frail body are left. A body that has devoured itself...

2003


2004


May 2005

Wow... This kind of reminds me of another celebrity who merely said she was working out.

There's a reason why two of these files are called "TwigWoman.jpg"

I once taught a class where all but two of my students were girls. We watched an episode of the show "The Swan" and the class analyzed it's effects. The students made collages about what the media (and society) was telling them to be. All of the girls' collages looked similiar... Please... We must help turn this around. We must undo this horrible knot we've seemed to tie around our girls... Tell your daughters everyday that they are beautiful no matter what. They must hear it until their ears bleed. We cannot compete with the million images they see everyday, telling them that gaunt is beautiful.


One of my 9th grader's "ideal" female collages


Ana Prayer

Ana, In your depravity grant me the intellect to recognize you, the perception to dissemble about you, and the naïveté to appreciate you. In your cruelty endow me with the perfectionism to seek you, the guile to disguise you, the strength to withstand stabbing hunger pains, and the vulnerability to accede to you. In your ruthlessness bestow on me intelligence to contemplate you, senses to feel your inflicted pain, eyes to see the benefits of your vicious embrace, and long torturous nights to think of you. In your mercilessness confer on me an inability to escape you, the powerlessness to deny you, and the insecurity to obsess over you. Grant me a perfect end - your holy presence. Amen.


Ana Psalm

Strict is my diet. I must not want. It maketh me to lie down at night hungry. It leadeth me past the confectioners. It trieth my willpower. It leadeth me in the paths of alteration for my figure's sake. Yea, though I walk through the aisles of the pastry department, I will buy no sweet rolls for they are fattening. The cakes and the pies, they tempt me. Before me is a table set with green beans and lettuce. I filleth my stomach with liquids, My day's quota runneth over. Surely calorie and weight charts will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the fear of the scales forever.


Ana Creed

I believe in Control, the only force mighty enough to bring order to the chaos that is my world. I believe that I am the most vile, worthless and useless person ever to have existed on this planet, and that I am totally unworthy of anyone's time and attention. I believe that other people who tell me differently must be idiots. If they could see how I really am, then they would hate me almost as much as I do. I believe in oughts, musts and shoulds as unbreakable laws to determine my daily behaviour. I believe in perfection and strive to attain it. I believe in salvation through trying just a bit harder than I did yesterday. I believe in calorie counters as the inspired word of god, and memorise them accordingly. I believe in bathroom scales as an indicator of my daily successes and failures. I believe in hell, because I sometimes think that I'm living in it. I believe in a wholly black and white world, the losing of weight, recrimination for sins, the abnegation of the body and a life ever fasting. Amen.

"Put on your Ana bracelet and raise your skinny fist in solidarity!"
~From a "pro-Ana" blogger, who wrote this shortly after Mary-Kate Olsen entered treatment for anorexia.

As some of you MindSayers know, for the past two years, I have had the amazing experience of spending my love-life with another fellow MindSay resident: Mullows  This weekend, Mullows took me out for a birthday surprise, one I was not fully expecting. He took me to the ballet - to see a performance based on my dead husband's play, Romeo & Juliet.

Once I got past the bewilderment of WHY my present lover would even think of ever taking me on a date that would make me think all night about my former lover, I was able to sit back and let the excitement sink in. I was FINALLY seeing one of my husband's most famous plays! Yes, that's right folks. I, Mrs. Anne Hathaway-Shakespeare, had never seen Romeo & Juliet. By the time the play was on stage, I was so SICK of hearing about it, and so I refused to attend any showing of it. Oooooooh, Will was so angry! It was great!!

But I couldn't let my dear Mullows down, and so I put on a big smile and let the curtain rise...

However, after viewing the beautiful, elegant dancing displayed by the actual couple who played Romeo and Juliet, I began to wonder about the story itself. I was appalled by a few details.

1. Is Juliet like 12-years-old? This baffles me. Does she even have her period yet? How can she fall in love and get married? Isn't that a little young? William leads you to believe people from my generation got married that young. That's wrong. While yes, with parental permission a girl could marry at 12 and a boy at 14, but that was unusual. The legal age of consent (without parental permission) was 21. That's three years more than it is today!

I think Will was trying to write out his sexual addiction. He had already been arrested once for child rape when he started writing Romeo & Juliet (although, he was not charged, which is why you'll never find any record of it - Plus his publicist wanted to keep it all "hush hush"). His advisor (I think you call shrinks or therapist today) had suggested Will "write out" his sinful feelings. Act them out on the page, instead of in real life. It was a very horrible time for us... For me. I had never expected Will to go for the little ones. He was always attracted to older women, which is why he went for me (I being 26 when we married and he 18). I felt like Mary Kay Letourneau when Vili asked a freshman to his senior prom!!

2. Why are we supposed to believe Romeo is actually really, truly in love with Juliet? Isn't he just some horny teenage boy?? I mean, in the beginning of the play it seems he's in love with Rosaline, and then ALL OF A SUDDEN he's "in love" with Juliet?? Hmm... I think maybe he was just following the pull of his little willy. Kind of like how Big Willy did when he was away in London all those years while we were married...

3. Soooo, the priest has magical potions? Who was Friar Lawrence- St. Valentine? Where did he get this magical drug that put Juliet to sleep and made her appear dead? I think Willy was wishing he could've produced some magical drug such as this to get out of our marriage! I don't know what you call people who make potions like this these days, but in my day we called them witches and we burned them at the stake.

4. So Romeo and Juliet just kill themselves in the end? The whole time I was watching the ballet, I was waiting for Romeo and Juliet to run off together. They come from rich families. I'm sure they could've afforded to steal some money and run off in the sunset together. Instead they killed themselves? This really made me laugh because it makes it seem like Will was a softy - a real hopeless romantic. HILARIOUS is what I say!! Juliet was an IDIOT. Instead of marrying that rich, handsome Paris her parents wanted her to marry, she chooses horny, hormonal, obsessive Romeo? The guy was a stalker!! If, after a day of knowing him, Mullows came to my window and climbed up onto my balcony, I would scream "RAPE!" That's creepy!!

 

Overall, the ballet was very beautiful and very enjoyable (of course the company was enjoyable as well). I just think William may have written most of the story of Romeo & Juliet while crying over a few too many bottles of ale. Poor Willy... HAHAHA. Yeah right.

Three nights a week, for some extra cash, I wait tables at a local mom and pops on the Delaware River. I love being a waitress. It's quick cash and it's challenging - my favorite combination. Even though I started waitressing back in February, I'm still considered the new girl. The other waitressed have never been able to break away from the close family-tight staff and customers and have been there for years and years. I have a feeling I will always be the new girl. As the new girl, everything is fresh to me. The stories of stalking customers, and running out of chicken (when 25% of our menu is chicken), and battles between cooks and waitresses, and the marriages between customers and waitresses and cooks and waitresses are usually delightful additions to my shifts. However, last night, I got to hear some new stories and I drove home with the shivers.

Philadelphia was hit with a horrific thunderstorm last night. Thousands of electricity customers were out of electricity, even this morning. Although we experienced some dimming lights and power surges, we thankfully remained plugged in during our open hours. However, around 9:00, a half hour after we were closed, the restaurant went dark.

Immediately, us waitresses were creeped out. Thrilled not to have to clean, but chilled. The only light in the entire restaurant came from two floodlights, which popped on during emergencies such as this. Us five girls huddled together for comfort, while we listened to the cook grumbled in the pitch-dark kitchen downstairs.

Then, one of the waitresses mentioned the ghosts. Ghosts? I wondered. What ghosts?? I knew the restaurant was old - dating back to the 30's when it was a hot dog stand (Dirty Bill's Hot Dogs it was called. We have customers who remember it). But I knew of no ghosts.

One night, the owner's son who is a head chef, and one of the other cooks, were the only ones left cleaning up at the end of the night. All the doors were locked upstairs in the dining area (Us girls lock them and leave through the back downstairs kitchen door every night). All of a sudden, they heard the upstairs back door, slam open.

"What the hell?" they said together, staring at each other. Who could that be? Did the girls forget to lock the doors and some customer thought they were open? It was pretty late and most of our customers were regular customers and knew we closed at 8:30, however, we sometimes had a few new stragglers try to come in after 8:30, thinking we were still open.

They looked up through the window where we waitresses picked up our food, which looks onto the counter area of the restaurant. They both saw a man sitting at the counter.

"Damnit! The girls must've left one of the doors open!" the owner's son said. 

They immediately ran up to the dining area to tell the man they were closed. The restaurant was empty. All 18 tables and seven counter chairs were vacant.

"Maybe he saw you and realized we were closed," the one cook said to the owner's son.

They checked the doors. They were locked.

Often times, when the restaurant is silent except for the two cooks leftover at the end of the night cleaning up, they were hear doors opening and closing upstairs. Bathrooms doors especially, and occasionally the door to go down into the kitchen, will open and close. Walk-in refrigerators, which are never locked, sometimes lock on their own.   Before a major flood back in September, one of the cooks testified to seeing five children in the dining area, really late at night when he was the only one there, getting ready to turn everything off and leave. After the restaurant was closed and renovated, he no longer saw the children. He has also seen the man.

Maybe it's Dirty Bill coming to check up on his old place. Who knows... All I know is that I drove home very freaked out and very glad that waitresses get to go home first. :-)

Type "strange image" on Yahoo images or Google images and you'll get some messed up pictures.

Is it me, or do some people purposely SEARCH for things to complain about?   Today, while reading my wonderful, talented, and extremely handsome boyfriend's latest novel, I stopped to check some facts online. In his book, someone dies in a car crash after their seatbelt snaps in two. Intrigued and confused as to how this happened (since seatbelts are made to withstand extreme amounts of pressure) I wandered over to Yahoo to find some facts about seatbelts. I came across another site instead. It was a site written by a man who is against seatbelt laws. [click here to read]

"State mandatory seatbelt harness laws are unconstitutional. They infringe on a person’s individual rights as guaranteed in the Bill of Rights, namely, the Fourth, Ninth and Fourteenth Amendments,” the man writes. He urges citizens to stand up to the big bad EVIL government and protest this horrific invasion of privacy and choice.

He argues that there are people who die BECAUSE they were wearing their seatbelts and that because of these people the government is forcing people to RISK THEIR LIVES by ordering them to wear seatbelts. "The fact is, the government has no constitutional authority to willingly and knowingly maim and kill some people through forced seatbelt use, just because the government hopes others will be saved merely by chance."

Hmmm… Maybe he’s right. I mean, the government really does put us in quite the predicament when it asks us to buckle up. I’m sure the big bad officers who write tickets really do intend to “maim and kill” us when they scribble a ticket to those that do not obey the stupid, pointless law (In 38 states, by the way, an officer is not allowed to issue a citation for not wearing a seatbelt UNLESS he’s already pulled you over for another offense and notices that you’re not buckled up).

Or maybe this guy’s an idiot.

73% of people who were in fatal crashes in 2001 and were restrained by a seatbelt survived. Only 44% of those who were not wearing a seatbelt survived. [NHTSA, Annual Assessment of Motor Vehicle Crashes]

In the past 26 years, safety belts prevented 135,000 fatalities and 3.8 million injuries, saving $585 billion in medical and other costs. If all vehicle occupants had used safety belts during that period, nearly 315,000 deaths and 5.2 million injuries could have been prevented - and $913 billion in costs saved. [NHSTA, Economic Impact of Crashes, 2002]

Gee… I don’t know about you, but those statistics sure make me want to “click it” every time I get into my car.

“The courts, including the U.S. Supreme Court, have confirmed a person has the right to determine his/her own individual personal health care standards.”  AWESOME! I had no idea!!! Soooo the article that I just read this week stating that the U.S. Supreme Court has just federally banned the use of medicinal marijuana, no longer allowing states to choose whether or not they want to permit their doctors to prescribe the drug to dying cancer patients who are suffering, was a lie??? YES!!! I had no idea the government allowed us to do whatever we wanted to our bodies!!

But, ummm, Miss Dutchess Ma’am - Wearing a seatbelt should be a personal decision! It should not be forced because it only affects that ONE person! Our government is spending our money to support their cause. Just like the man you keep referring to wrote in his little online essay: “Such laws are an unwarranted intrusion by government into the personal lives of citizens… Federal candidates for office should be told that they will not be supported unless they promise to stop the current annual spending of millions of federal taxes in support of seatbelt laws.”

Ooooooo REALLY? Seatbelt use is a PERSONAL, private matter and our tax dollars should not be used to support a law that enforces the government’s belief?

Motor vehicle crashes in 2000 cost a total of $230.6 billion, an amount equal to 2.3 percent of the gross domestic product, or $820 for every living person in the United States. [NHTSA, Economic Impact of Crashes, 2002]

In 2000, the economic cost to society was more than $977,000 for each crash fatality and an average of $1.1 million for each critically injured person. [NHTSA, Economic Impact of Crashes, 2002]

The general public pays nearly three-quarters of all crash costs, primarily through insurance premiums, taxes, delays and lost productivity. [NHTSA, Economic Impact of Crashes, 2002]

No offense, but I don’t feel like having my medical insurance premiums raised because some asshole refused to wear his seatbelt and flew through his windshield, causing horrific damage to his body which Blue Cross had to cover, even though his injuries could have been prevented if he just freaking wore his damn seatbelt.

Let’s say I’m driving home from work today. A woman is driving home from picking her children up from school. She sees a yellow light up ahead. “Damn it,” she thinks. “I can beat it.” Although the light is red by the time she reaches the intersection, she runs right through it. Meanwhile, I, seeing a green light, drive through the intersection and run right into the woman’s car. Her seven-year-old child, sitting in the front seat without a seatbelt on, flies through the windshield and slams onto the pavement, dying instantly. Even though it was the woman’s fault that she ran through the red light and didn’t buckle up her child, I would feel guilty for the rest of my life that I had been part of taking a child’s life.

Do me a favor the Mr. Anti-Stupid-Things of the world. Save your breath. Or you could end up like Derek Kieper.

Derek Kieper was anti-seatbelts. More specifically, he was anti-seatbelt requirement laws (Read Derek’s editorial from this past September that was printed in his college’s newspaper): “Uncle Sam is not here to regulate every facet of life no matter the consequences… Democrats and Republicans alike should stand together to stop these laws that are incongruous with the ideals of both parties."

Kieper, a 21-year-old senior at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, died on January 10, 2005, when the Ford Explorer he was a passenger in traveled off an icy section of Interstate 80 and rolled several times in a ditch. Kieper, who was riding in the back seat of the Explorer, was ejected from the vehicle. Two others in the vehicle, including the driver, Luke Havermann of Ogallala, and the front-seat passenger, Nick Uphoff of Randolph Air Force Base in Texas, sustained non-life threatening injuries.

Havermann and Uphoff were wearing seatbelts at the time. Derek, who was thrown from the vehicle, was not wearing a seatbelt…

Don't kill me for following everyone and doing this interview thingy. I like it. It's different than all the other surveys. Enjoy. :-)

Directions:

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your mindsay with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

*                                  *                                  *                                  *

Interview from goddesseunomia  

1. What's your middle name?
Rose - named after my two greatgrandmothers... And if you want to know more, my confirmation middle name is Marie...

Pretty roses from Mullows... :-)

2. What style of house do you want to live in, regardless of money? (English tudor, palatial mansion, beach-cottage...) 
Hmm... An old (yet not run down) stone house that is really nice inside and that I can decorate to my own modern style.

3. What strange animal would you own and why? (not typical dog, cat, fish, bird, or reptile...)
Oooo!! Great questions! That would be a sugar glider. But what in God's name is a sugar glider Dutchess, you ask? It's the most amazing Austrailian creature ever. Two summers ago, I was working at a summer camp and one of my camp kids said they wanted a sugar glider. "It's a little animal, about the size of your hand, that makes this squeeking noise and flies." HUH??? I didn't believe him. I thought he was making it up. Then we looked it up and so be it, he wasn't lying. Here it is:

4. If you could obtain your pilot's license, would you? Why, or why not?
Ummm.... Nah... I have no interesnt in learning how to fly. I want my scuba diving license though. That'd be neat.

5. Do you have a favorite song of all-time? (Ok, how about a favorite song this week?)
Damn, ummm... all time probably "Hey Jude" by The Beatles, maybe... I don't know...



Interview from msdania  

1. Your posts are always so great... where do the ideas come from?
Gee thanks!!! That's the nicest MindSay compliment ever! I have no idea where my ideas come from. I guess probably from the random conversations I have with people, especially Mullows or just from random stuff I read.

2. What is your fav song right now?
Right now??? Hmmm.... Nothing's been good on the radio lately... Usually there's a song I really like and can't wait for the station to play it so I can hear it, but right now there isn't.

3. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Well, I am kind of "grown up" since I'm out of school and looking for work. I'm currently an English teacher without a job, so hopefully by fall I'll be a permanent English teacher with her own classroom and students!! All I can ask for as I grow up more is to be content with my life.

4. What is your fav food?
Spaghetti! Mmm....

No, it's not me... But I wish it were.

5. Quick make me a poem about anything you want. it has to be 6 lines and every word at the end of the sentence HAS to rhyme!
There once was a man named Shakespeare
Who was the greatest writer it would appear
Little did people know
His wife was the "man" behind the show
And she wrote all his plays drunk on beer!

Yesterday, Mullows and I took a trip to the Philadelphia Zoo. This was going to be yet another amazing day we would add to the list of amazing days we have spent together. Little did we know that the zoo had a different day planned for us...

It all started off great. We were walking around the zoo, enjoying the sites of the wild animals. We walked hand in hand next to the Swan Lake.

We fed some hungry animals...

Wrestled a few alligators...

Played with some bees...

Visited some elephants...

And rode an enormous catipillar...  It was the perfect day...

It was a very hot day - one in the 90's - and I sat down on a log to take a rest.

All of a sudden, Mullows turned around and he was right in the face of a poisonous snake! The snake told him, "You mussssssssst come with meeeeee or I will bite you!" Well, I didn't want Mullows to die, so I told him to go with the snake and I promised him I'd come rescue him.

After the snake drug Mullows away, I looked around. I realized I was all alone and lost in the zoo. What was I going to do?? I had no idea where the snake had taken Mullows and Mullows had the map!

I began to wander around, looking for anyone to ask where they might have thought the snake would've taken taken my poor Mullows. I ran into an orangatun.

I told her I would do her nails for her if she told me where a snake would take a Mullows. "I'm sorry, but you should ask the gorilla. I do not know of any snakes or Mullows. But I would like my nails done!"

The gorilla did not know either. But he did know how to take a really good photograph.

After doing the orangatun's nails in "Berrilicious Red" and taking model-like photos with the gorilla, I left the primate portion of the zoo and roamed over to the cheetahs. "Mr. Cheetah," I said very slowly, diverting my eyes to the ground. "Do you know where a snake would take a Mullows?"

"A Mullows sounds tasty," the cheetah said licking his lips. "I do not know where a snake would take a Mullows, but if you find out, let me know... ...Hey, is that Berrylicious Red nail polish?"

I was starting to get pretty scared now. Where was my dear Mullows?? I had to save him. The zoo was beginning to frighten me. Even the flamingos were angry!

I turned to my right and there were two evil dinosaurs. "I didn't know the zoo had extinct creatures!!" I thought. Before they could notice me, I ran like hell.

I looked on the ground and saw the creepiest creature I had ever seen. "Ahhh!!" I screamed and ran some more.

"Wait!" cried the creature, but I didn't stop.

I came upon some penguins. "We know where your Mullows is," they said in their squeeky voices. Just come follow us..." I noticed they had some strange head growing out of their necks. "What the f-!" I said, looking around for any innocent children who may have heard me. I jiffied out of there, leaving those freaky penguins behind.

Then, I heard a crying sound. I looked and saw a poor little goosling who was lost too. "Hello little one," I said. "Are you lost?"

"Sniffle, sniffle, yes, I am. I cannot find my mommy!" the baby goose said.

"Maybe I can help," I said.

"No, you can't!! I can smell that you've eaten bird before!!! GO AWAY!!" With that the goosling ran off, looking for his mother. I crossed my fingers in hopes that he would find his loved one and went on my way to find mine...

I ran into a very strange rooster. "Watch where you are going!" clucked the rooster, pecking at my feet.

"You are a very strange looking rooster!" I said.

"Well you're a very rude human!!" the rooster clucked back. "I know where your Mullows is and now I'm not going to tell you!"

"Oh no!! Please Mr. Rooster!! I'm sorry. I'm just very upset that I cannot find my dear, dear Mullows. I miss him terribly and I'm afraid I will never get him back!! Plus, he has the keys to the car and therefore, I am stuck here!"

The rooster sighed. "Oh, cluck, alright. I will help you."

"First find the sloth bear. He will tell you where the snakes like to keep their hostages," the rooster said.

"But beware of the wolves!! They are out there and they can smell fear!!"

I thanked the rooster and was on my way. But before going to the sloth bear, I stopped for some grub. I was pretty hungry was all this running around and I needed some quick strength.

After my meal, I went to the sloth bear and he told me to think of the best ninja fighting animals around. "Ninja fighting animals?" I questioned. Then it hit me. "Turtles!!!"

I ran to the turtle nest. "Excuse me!" I said. "Excuse me!" But the turtles were a little busy. It was mating season at the zoo and the animals were spending any free time getting it on.

Little babies were being hatched out of eggs the whole day. It was a new beginning, a new life! I knew Mullows had to be close! I would find him and we would have our new beginning too!

I walked around the turtle nest, hoping to find another turtle who would help me. And then I saw it!!! The best sight I had ever seen!!

It was Mullows!! He was sound asleep in front of a sleeping turtle! I kissed him awake. "Oh Mullows!!" I said, showering his face with more kisses. "I found you! I found you! I thought I had lost you forever!!"

"Oh Dutchess!!!" cried Mullows. "I can't believe you found me! I thought I was a goner! The snake put me under some horrible spell and I've been asleep and having horrible nightmares all day!"

I was so happy I hugged the nearest tree. I filled Mullows in on all that had happened to me. He laughed and a tear rolled down his check. "I love you so much for going through all of that. You are the best girlfriend ever!"

We had a great rest of the day. We went back to all the animals who had tried to help me, and I introduced them to Mullows. They were glad I had found my lost love. We even saw the little lost goosling. He was with his family again. All seemed right in the world.

And so thus was our adventure at the Philadelphia Zoo. It wasn't what we expected, but it brought us closer together than ever before. We know that our love is strong and that we can survive anything (or at least any animal).

Who knew you could tell so much from a random item?

What item in your house tells a lot about you?? Take a picture and tell me about it!!

I just wanted to wish everyone a very happy first day of summer. I will now be sporting my new summer look until the Fall. Doesn't everyone like my bikini? It's my itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow polka dot bikini, which I'm wearing for the first time today. :-)

I thought I would give everyone a few tips for the summer because we all know it can be a very dangerous season.

Summer Tips from the All Wise and All Knowing Dutchess of Wales:

1. Wear lots of sunscreen. I suggest a 90 SPF when available. You don't want those sunspots when you're older. Trust me. I'm 449. I know these things.
2. Follow all safety rules when swimming. Dead man dives were actually started by the Nazis as a form of torture on the Jewish people. They had them jump to their deaths into pools without putting their hands up to protect their heads. So why do young kids do them? Stupid kids.
3. Don't eat too much ice cream. I know it's warm and we all want something cool to eat, but too much ice cream will make you gain lots of weight and then your friends will have to deal with you complaining about your new tummy. Drink a nice cold Red Bull instead. It'll cool you down, plus it'll give you so much energy you'll forget to eat (Do not however, EVER mix Red Bull and Mountain Dew... I hear the combination makes your heart instantly burst).
4. Watch out for killer bees. Killer bees are often forgotten, but they are very dangerous insects. It is safe to assume that all bees you see are deadly, therefore, when in view of a bee, scream "Killer bees! Killer bees!! Run for your life! They are attacking!" and immediately start running around in circles, waving your arms above your head. This is the universal symbol for killer bees and anyone around will immediately back away from the infested area. You however, were probably already stung and will die, but you can die knowing you saved some unknowing bystanders from a horribly painful death.
5. Do not go see the new summer blockbuster movie War of the Worlds. I hear this movie is trying to push the views of a cult called the Church of Scientology. The aliens in the film are actually the same aliens that can possess you if you do not pay thousands of dollars to the scientology religion. Besides, Tom Cruise is in this movie and he has obviously lost his mind (plus, he's a scientologist). Although, that cute little Dakoda Fanning is in the movie... No, no... doesn't matter. Do not see it. You will come out murmuring strange alien prayers to yourself and your eyes will be all glazed over.
6. Visit MatthewUlmer.com. Matthew Ulmer is a new and upcoming young writer. His books are funny, touching, and thought provoking. Plus, he's hot. That's always a plus.
7. Go on vacation. Everyone needs to get away and summer is the time to do it. But, there are some places that are not recommended for summer traveling (either they are too crowded, unsafe, or just too damn hot): Disney World (well, all of Florida really), Arizona, Texas, New Mexico, Nevada, The Virgin Islands, Europe, Asia, South America, Australia, Africa, Mexico, Arizona, Arkansas, California... Actually, pretty much every state in the United States, except Alabama, Kansas, Oregon (Only the north), North Dakota, Wyoming, and West Virginia (which I hear is just BEAUTIFUL this time of year).
8. Eat lots of watermelon. Watermelon is very tasty in the summer. I prefer seedless. No chance of choking. Yum!
9. Fall in love or have a summer fling. "Summer loving... Had me a blast..." We've all seen Grease and we all secretly love it and wish we could have a summer love like John Travolta and Olivia Newton John did. Get out and try to meet people. Have a lot of one night stands. They might lead to more! If you're already in love, fall in love all over again. Who says you can't have fun when you've been dating the same person for years!?
10. Wear watershoes when going into the ocean. You don't want to attract crabs do you? (Hmmm... I probably should amend #9 a bit then).

Ok, well now you are equipped and ready to go out and have an amazingly exciting season!! Happy Summer everyone!!!

For the past week, I've been cleaning my room. But why Dutchess, you say, why has it taken a week to clean your room? Besides moonlighting as a waitress, I've been occupied with many different things. Doctor's appointments, spending time with Mullows, chatting to Mullows online so he isn't lonely at work, writing and reading blogs, sleeping in (since I finished with my day job as a middle school reading aide), reading Mullows's latest masterpiece, catching up on some TV...

In between all of these things is when I've been cleaning my room and cleaning out my closet. You find the most amazing things when you clean out your closet. Clothes and shoes I had forgotten about (I found an Old Navy bag with a new long sleeved shirt, tag still in tact, which the receipt informed me I had purchased last August), old letters you were sent, dirty socks that went missing, old pictures...

I found this old quarter (which I've scanned for you to Oooo and Ahhh over). I had put it in a safe place because when I found it I was amazed by the date. 1937. Not too old, but old enough to make you think what kind of a life a quarter of that age had experienced. Think about it. 1937... My parents weren't even a sparkle in my grandparents's eyes... Maybe because my grandparents (both pairs) hadn't even met yet. 

This is the part of the blog that, if it were a movie or cheesy TV show, the screen would become foggy and the little, old quarter would think back to his young quarter days, reminising about all the new things he was seeing for the first time during his first year of birth:

There are only 48 states.

Quarters with George Washington on the face had only been in existence for five years. And they were made out of silver (instead of Nickel/Copper combination they are made with in 2005).

People are still feeling the affects of the Great Depression.

This quarter is worth about $3.34 in 2005 money.

It is the last couple years before the Greatest War (In November, Hitler holds a secret meeting and states his plans for acquiring "living space" for the German people. Japan begins to acquire land).

Average car cost: $675

Gasoline: 20 cents/gallon

House: $6,600

Bread: 9 cents/loaf

Milk: 14 cents/quart

Postage Stamp: 3 cents (You can't even buy a stamp with a quarter today. You could buy 8 in 1937).

Average Annual Salary: $1,368

Men were living on average to age 58, women to 61.

Hitler had just announced "the people's car" (Volkswagon) two years ago in 1935.

The first successful helicopter is made.

The Hindenburg blimp explodes.

Howard Hughes sets a new air record by flying from Los Angeles to New York City in 7 hours, 28 minutes and 25 seconds.

The electric guitar is debuted.

The last public execution was held one year ago with the hanging of Rainey Bethea.

The Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco is opened to the drivers of the U.S.

Route 66 is completed.

The very first Flag Day occurs celebrated by only Pennsylvania.

Daffy Duck is introduced in a short animation.

J.R.R Tolkein's The Hobbit is published.

Disney releases their first animated movie - Snow White.

The Marijuana Tax Act is signed, killing the US hemp industry just as it was about to benefit from a mechanised brake and compete with cotton and wood pulp. Marijuana is still legal.

The shopping cart is invented.

CBS announces they have plans to begin the newly coined term "Televison Broadcasts" in order to catch up with the BBC, which was the first last year to run broadcasts - three long hours of broadcasting a day.

Over the years, this quarter would experience great wars and battles such as World War II, The Cold War, The Vietnam War, Dessert Storm and Iraq... It would experience the assassinations of many great leaders, such as Martin Luther King, Jr. and John F. Kennedy... It would see it's life become less and less important as it's monetary value became less and less.

Or maybe not. I saw a 1937 quarter attempting to be sold on eBay for $449...

Long distance relationships. They're said to be tough. They're said to be stressful. They're said to be difficult on a relationship. Those in long distance relationships are said to be more likely to cheat because it's hard to be away from the everyday intimacy they're used to. Just look at every member of MTV's The Real World who was in a relationship before they came to the show. Pretty much every single one ended up cheating on the "love of their life" and cried about how hard it was to stay faithful for the five months they were away.

What I say to that is "Bullshit."

As most of you know, fellow MindSay member Mullows and I are a couple. We started dating two years and two months ago the summer before our senior year of college. We had a really great summer together. One of the best. And then only three and a half months into our little relationship, we went back to school, leaving us 300 miles away from each other.

Did I miss him? Sure. Did he miss me? Sure. But was it too hard for us to handle?? No. Why? Because we made the effort to be in the relationship, even if it was a relationship that was keeping us 300 miles apart.

But Dutchess, you say. How did you do it?? Didn't you crave a man's touch? Didn't you need someone to hug and kiss and hold you?? Sure. But being away from Mullows made seeing him and hugging him and kissing him when I finally got to see him even better. And when I was away from him and finally got to talk to him after a long day, it was great. I looked forward to having the chance to talk to him - all day. And I know he did too.

No, this isn't Mullows. This is Uncle Nasty (except with hair) when he gets to talk to his long distance girlfriend on the phone at the end of the day.

With technology today, long distance relationships don't even have to feel LONG DISTANCE. In the course of a day while away at school, I would go to class and on the way, text message Mullows or receive a text message from him, then come home from class and talk to him on instant messenger, then I would call him on the phone and talk to him, at which point we'd then maybe turn on our webcams and have a conversation with each other, looking right at each other.

It felt like I just spent a couple hours with him. :-)

This would be me if I had blonde hair... This would be Mullows if he looked, uh, polynesian?

On a recent The Real World, housemate Melinda cheats on her boyfriend of two years in the first week of being away. She says she loves her boyfriend, but she goes and hooks up with one of her roommates anyway. "I want to have sex with him!" she says because she's horny and can't stand not having someone there to fuck. When her boyfriend breaks up with her, she breaks down and begins crying, saying she can't believe he's doing this to her. She loves him.

Ummm... I don't think so. When you really love someone, really and truly, you don't cheat on them. You don't because you really don't WANT to be with anyone else. Being with someone else would be make you think, "This is weird and not right because it's not [your significant other's name]." And if you felt like maybe you did want to experience someone else, you wouldn't want to hurt someone you really loved anyway and you'd probably break up with that person before going behind his/her back.

If you want to cheat on your significant other, you obviously don't really want to be with them in the first place. Do yourself and that person a favor and break up with them and THEN go hook up with as many people as you want to.

Tonight's episode of The Real World again just furthered my annoyance with the issue of those that say it's hard being faithful in long distanced relationships. One of the members, Rachel, has a boyfriend of 8 months. Her and her boyfriend are on a break while she's on the show because she wants to "be sure that Erik is the one for me. I've always been in a relationship and I just want to make sure." But there are some ground rules: 1. No sex and 2. No falling in love.

During the episode, Rachel falls for Collin, a bouncer at a bar the cast members frequent regularly. After he confesses to her that he likes her, Rachel cannot stop talking about him. "I like Collin. I like Collin!" she yelps over and over to her roommates while drunk. "He's so sweet."

Rachel and her roommates had heard at the bar that Collin had a girlfriend. "Noooo. He can't have a girlfriend," Rachel whines, forgetting for a moment, I suppose, that SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND.

After confronting Collin about it, he tells her he did not. "I can't believe you thought that," he tells her. "Where would you guys get that idea?" Collin asks Rachel out on a date and she agrees.

After the date, she invites him back to the house where she tells him she has a boyfriend, whom she is on a break with. She informs him that they can't have sex, but drags him into her bed and proceeds to make out with him. When she gets tired she tells him she's done with him and that he must leave. He gets pissed and storms out.

The next day, she realizes she was rude and goes to the bar to apologize for her behavior, which she blames on drunkeness. It ends up however, that Collin's girlfriend is at the bar, visiting her boyfriend, whom she kisses sweetly in everyone's view.

"I can't believe him," Rachel snaps to her roommates. She calls him an asshole. How could he hook up with her like that when he had a girlfriend!!? The nerve!

She goes home and immediately calls her "boyfriend." "Oh baby, I just called to tell you I love you. I go out and try to meet people and have fun, but it just makes me realize that there's no one like you. I'm so lucky."

I wonder what the conversation would have been like if Collin hadn't had a girlfriend. Or if there would've been a conversation at all.

Meanwhile, there was a brief shot of another castmate, Lacey, the least shown on the show because she is the only undramatic member of the house, on the phone with someone she calls "the love of her life." She has a boyfriend? She talks to him on the phone and remains faithful while being away? Wow!! I can't believe it! I thought it was IMPOSSIBLE to remain faithful while being away from your lover for a long period of time. How does she manage when there's no one around to kiss and have sex with??

I don't know... Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it is really, really hard. Maybe all the studies done on long distance relationships that show that the break up rate is identical to those in relationships that are no long distance are wrong. And that those in long distance relationships experience no more problems or difficulaties than do people in non-long distance relationships.

Or maybe all these musicians get it like I do: That when you really, truly love someone or really, truly care about someone, you don't want to cheat and therefore you don't. And being away from them doesn't really make you want to go out and hook up with the first random person you see to fulfill that physical urge you need to fulfill. I merely makes you long for the next time you see them again.

"To see you when I wake up is a gift I didnt think could be real. To know that you feel the same as I do is a three-fold utopian dream. You do something to me that I can't explain. So would I be out of line if I said I miss you?"

"Listen baby. Ain't no mountain high. Ain't no valley low. Ain't no river wide enough, baby. If you need me, call me. No matter where you are. No matter how far. Oooooohhh. Don't worry baby. Just call out my name. I'll be there in a hurry. You don't have to worry, because baby, there ain't no mountain high enough, ain't no valley low enough, ain't no river wide enough to keep me from getting to you babe."

"I'm here without you baby, but you're still on my lonely mind. I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time. I'm here without you baby, but you're still with me in my dreams. And tonight, it's only you and me."

"Wherever you go, whatever you do, I will be right here waiting for you. Whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks, I will be right here waiting for you."

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen
Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English
language.
 
In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his
wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of
thumb"

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and
Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the
air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air
the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has
all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th: John
Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the
last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
 
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser
printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
 
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day

For the past few days, the MindSay community has been riddled with miscelaneous blogs concerning the latest election between Mullows and UncleNasty . Mullows or Nasty... Which one to vote for?

I decided, as both the girlfriend of Mullows and a friend of Nasty's, I would take it upon myself to reveal to the MindSay community the truth behind each of these characters. I feel it is my job, no, my duty, to let you all know who exactly you are choosing for when you cast your fake, unreal, made-up votes.

And thus, here is the truth, the pros and cons, behind each candidate:

Pros   1. He's very tall and reminds you of the Jolly Green Giant, which of course, we all know, promotes eating vegetables, which is always good. 2. He throws really good Beerbeques with finger food like cheese puffs. 3. He pisses off bloggers who have sticks up their asses with his sarcastic sense of humor.      4. He makes fun of Mullows all the time and it makes me go "He he" and "Ha ha". (Shit... I mean... ummm... he isn't funny... Nosiree... Not at all. It is mean...to...make...fun... of... poor... Mullows. Yes). 5. He also looks like Mr. Clean, which we all know is very nice and always leaves your floors sparkly and shiny. 6. His girlfriend kicks ass at Asshole.

Cons   1. He's very tall and scares little children, dogs, rabbits, and midgets (including thse cute little drunken munchkins from Munchkinland). 2. He has a crazy dog that has stubs for legs. Man would I like to see that dog run and trip over it's stubs. Wait, did I say that outloud? Oops. I mean... cute puppy-wuppy... 3. He pretends to be nasty, however, this is the border in his bedroom: and this "A Happy Home Recipe" is hanging in his house. 4. He spent 9-11 lounging around in the back seat of his car (However, it was a rather "patriotic" lounging). 5. He is obsessed with Shaq and collects all sorts of Shaq paraphernalia, which I believe should be illegal. 6. He owns a pillow with his name and tattoo on it.

What is the biggest secret of them all? While enemies on MindSay, in real life Mullows and Nasty are actually the BESTEST of buds. Ever see that movie called The Mighty (it was also a book called Freak the Mighty)? It is a heart warming story of a unique friendship shared by two seventh grade boys, Kevin and Max. Kevin, afflicted with a rare physical disability that prevents him from living a normal childhood, is an extremely intelligent boy who lives in the world of his imagination. Max on the other hand is an overweight boy who suffers from a learning disability and has failed the seventh grade several times. The two are paired together and use each other's strenghths to succeed. Kevin uses Max's strength and size to get around, and Max uses Kevin's brains.

Well, Mullows and Nasty's relationship is a little like that. Except Mullows isn't physically disabled, and Nasty is actually really smart (and not overweight - just really, really tall). So I guess except for the part in the movie where Max carries Kevin around, everywhere they go, it's not really the same situation.

Is it me, or is it really ironic that on the movie poster, Kevin is holding a sword?

Look familiar?? I think so.

Anyway, either way, Mullows and Nasty are secretly trying to take over MindSay TOGETHER, not separately. They're both just trying to fool you all into believing that they're running against each other.

Besides, Mullows claims I am his first lady. Well who cares about being a first lady?! I want to be the president! I think we need a female in the MindSay office and I am the best female for that job! Trust me, I will fight for your female-blogging rights unlike no other blogger!!

Therefore, do not vote Mullows. Do not vote Nasty. Vote Dutchess instead!!

Therefore, I am officially dropping out of the race (although, I wasn't in it very much to begin with) and asking those of you who replied to me that you'd vote for me over the two men, to VOTE FOR MULLOWS.

Yes, that's right. I know and understand I said some horrible things about him, like he doesn't like Frodo and he collects swords and such (although I really think that's cute and endearing, which is why I've purchased about half his collection for him), but in truth he is a kind and gentle man who does nothing but shower me with attention and love. In fact, tonight he even brought me a present for no reason at all!!

He also really truly does like kittens, contrary to what Uncle Nasty claims. In fact, we saw a poor little stray kitten today roaming outside my house today and he started to cry. "Poor, poor helpless kitty. What a horrible life. We must save it and nurse it back to health with warm milk and love."

Of course I said no because I prefer dogs and the cat looked kinda like a mutant racoon to me or one of the people from the drug rehab in the woods next to my house who escape all the time and I didn't want to get rabies.

Thus, please vote Mullows. He will save all little kittens and he will make this blogging community the best it can be. Plus, he's hot and a really amazing kisser (not that any of you should ever experience that for yourselves).

VOTE HERE: VotingBooth

I must commend Uncle Nasty on a good and fair race, even though he tried to use negative media against Mullows through false accusations, such as cheating. All politicians have their tactics though. It's a dirty business...

So congrats honey. You deserved it. I love you. You're wonderful. Now get to work. As will I.



With Mullows being the new... ummm... well, whatever it is he won to be... I am the new First Lady, since I am his first lady in real life. I figured since I am now in a professional and typically conservative position, I must change my look. I cannot bring bad publicity to my man's office. After all, I will be attending all those charity functions now.

Therefore, I have given up my summer bikini look and have decided to try a more professional look. I tried on a few outfits and decided on the best look. While I believe the red suit I've chosen to wear in my head shot brings out the color in my cheeks the best, I do really love the purple outfit... But apparently, as my new maid informed me, purple is too flashy for a first lady. She liked the first outfit, which I found disgusting. So, I need your opinion. You, after all, are my people.


Ummm... I immediately kicked and spit on my new handmaid's face. How dare she put me in this wretched stuffy suit. It obviously doesn't fit! My arms are too short!! GAG!


Now this one was a little better. Classy with spunk. West Wing meets Sex in the City. I like it. I'm keeping it for all the shopping I will have to do on Rodeo Drive in Los Angeles and Fifth Avenue in New York. It'll be for all the starving children of course! Who else would I be shopping for??

Now this is what I'm talking about... Don't I look smoking?? But, like I said, the maid said it was too flashy. Damn her. I think she just wanted me to give it to her. You know how the help are. They always want what they can't have.


Oh well... at least I can wear it around the house. I could wear the same outfit in here for days and never run into the same person since this place is so big. It would always appear to be a new outfit.

I really didn't have to PICK an outfit anyway. I bought them all because now I can afford them all! I have your taxes!! I mean... those taxes... yes... feeding starving children... curing AIDS... uh huh... exactly.

Today, I read a very, very disturbing accusation against the dearly beloved, all-American drink company, Snapple. I read this personal account of an experience with the drink "made from the best stuff on earth" and I couldn't believe what I was reading. A once very enthusiastic Snapple fan is no longer going to drink this amazing concoction of iced tea deliciousness.

Has this fan recently acquired an allergy to an item that is part of the "stuff" that makes Snapple? No. Was this tea-drinker attacked by a big purple man dressed in a Snapple bottle costume? No. Did this fan grow up in a Snapple-racist house and now, as he gets older, is beginning to accept his cruel, unfair upbringing? No. Not in the least.

In fact, there is no viable reason why this former Snapple-lover no longer loves Snapple. He merely misread a very, bright and colorful Snapple bottle, got his hopes up, and after realizing his mistake, blamed Snapple for his literacy problem.

You see, this blogger was distressed because after purchasing a bottle of Snapple to drink during his lunch break at work, he became excited when seeing that the cap read “Win Instantly.” Having never won anything, not even a big cookie in elementary school at lunch, he began to cry tears of joy. Finally, there was something he was guaranteed to win. He savagely ripped off the cap, and stared beneath the clicker in complete and utter adulation. To his horror, he found no “You Won!” or congratulatory phrase. Instead, he read “Sorry, not a winner! Do yourself a favor, try again.”

It was only then that he realized the bottle said “Win yourself a favor instantly!” Angered at the silly, false favor, he threw the bottle at a coworker, which resulted in his arrest for assault, causing him to spend the night in jail with a fat guy named Bubba.

While yes, the favor of “Do yourself a favor and try again” (in other words, buy another Snapple) is a silly favor to be handing out, it did not warrant such as violent an outcry as never purchasing a Snapple drink again. Especially considering the fact that the phrase “Win Instantly” does not mean everyone wins instantly. It merely points out that you can take off the cap, look under and have a chance of winning right there on the spot.

I don’t really trust the honestly of this blogger as well because he was a Snapple bottle for Halloween last year.

Thus, I am here, as an unofficial (yes officially paid by Snapple) representative of Snapple, to tell the world (or merely the MindSay community) just how wonderful and helpful the Snapple company is. I feel I need to stick up with this brand, which we all love and enjoy so much. I would never want the illiterate people of the world to persuade those of us who can read to stop enjoying this scrumptulescent drink.

Snapple reaches out to the community every change it gets. For example:

• Snapple donated 1,500 soccer balls to New York City’s Department of Parks and Recreation summer soccer program. They also donated one ball to each participant so they can practice at home.
  

• Snapple teaches America’s children through it’s Real Fact Caps. Think of all the fun facts that are under Snapple caps. Kids who drink Snapple can read these and learn. And, when a real fact isn’t real, they can learn how to differentiate between truth and reality.
  

• Snapple donates money every year to destroying marijuana crops in South America. This is helping to stop good ol’ Mary Jane from sneaking over the border.
  

• Snapple donated bottles of their water to the Tsunami victims.
  

• Snapple gives a portion of each bottle of Snap2O water to the building of healthy play areas and skate parks in inner cities so that kids have a place to go instead of the dirty, gang-ridden streets.
  

• Snapple is kosher. Even Jews can drink it!
  

• Snapple is made from natural ingredients and does not use any artificial flavoring. In fact, it starts off with the best tea leaves, which are sprayed with insecticide 24 hours a day (We would never want you to find an ant in your bottle of Snapple), 6 days a week (We give the union guys Sundays off so they can go to church of course). These leaves are then hand-picked (no machines) by Mauritanian slaves (Don’t worry. Slavery is legal in Mauritania. Snapple would never break the law) who love Snapple so much they sometimes give their lives for it. The leaves chosen are only the finest. Don’t worry though. Snapple worries about the environment and tries hard not to be wasteful. The left-over leaves are used to feed the slaves instead of being thrown away. After the leaves have been picked, the tea is brewed for the precise 3-5 minutes the British suggest tea should be brewed. Fruit is added and is set to steep in the tea overnight, adding flavor. Then corn syrup is adding for taste. We used to add honey, which was more all natural of course, than the all natural corn syrup, however, a lot of our customers are allergic to bees and we wanted to make sure we steered clear of any accidents.
  

As you can all see, Snapple is an amazing company and shouldn’t be damned because one person who didn’t pay attention to his Snapple bottle misunderstood what was written.

I think we all need to do ourselves a favor and go to http://snapple.com/index.php?section=rtf&rtfsection=invite&friend=2783802d7c4c95107c91692feda58e26 and say something nice about Mullows. He needs a pick-me-up.

Long live Snapple. And God bless.

UPDATE: Thank you to everyone who gave us ideas. We chose Charlie's Angels as our costume.

Every year on Halloween at the school I work at, each department dresses up in corresponding costumes and competes for the best dressed and most creative department.

This year, our English department is one man (an older man) and three young women.

I need help with ideas for costumes. So far my thoughts are:

1. King Lear and his three daughters

2. The Big Bad Wolf and the Three Little Pigs

3. Charlies Angels and Bosley

4. Dress up as each other

5. Alice in Wonderland

6. Ebenezer Scrooge and the Three Ghosts of Christmas (Past, Present, and Future).

7. The Three Blind Mice and The Farmer (Thanks Nomad )

8. Dracula and his Wraiths (Thanks Nomad )

9. Atticus Finch, Scout, Jem and Boo Radley from To Kill A Mockingbird (Thanks sandyquill )

10. James Bond and Three of the Many Bond Girls (Thanks sandyquill )

11. Characters from Harry Potter (Professor Dumbledore, Minerva McGonagall, Pomona Sprout, and Rolanda Hooch) (Thanks hosking )

Does anyone have any other ideas that I can bring to my English department meeting tomorrow??? I will keep adding to this list as I recieve suggestions. I would also appreciate feedback on ideas that are listed.

We are trying to find the most creative costumes!!

I haven't written in a while, but this guy bugged me so much that I just had to write (even if he was over-exaggerating his point for effect). I have copied and pasted his blog, adding my own comments in bold and italics. His blog begins under this comic a friend of mine recently sent to me, which I found to be very relevant to this blog's topic.

Christians are Destroying America
(Yes, that’s right. The 80% of the United States’ population that believes in Jesus is destroying the country. I took a lot of speech classes back in college and I’m pretty sure that’s called a false generalization.)

That's right, folks, you heard it right here.  Christians and conservatives are trying to destroy America.  (Again, the majority of the country is trying to destroy itself? Hmm… Interesting. I wonder what will happen when they finally succeed). Or, at the very least they are aiding the terrorists. (Wow. The anti-Christian terrorists are accepting help from the Christians? That’s very civilized of them.) How, you ask?  It's all very simple: "It's 'Merry Christmas,' not 'Happy Holidays.'"  Christians are trying to divide us when we are supposed to be unifying as a country against the hordes of those who would destroy our very way of life.

I was leaving a local grocery store (I won't post their name because I hate giving away free advertising; sorry Pic 'n' Save, I just don't play that game) (Umm... You just posted the grocery store’s name) and there were a couple of Shriners waving the bells and asking for handouts.  Now I don't know what's worse: the fact that they were calling out, and I quote, "Merry Christmas, not happy holidays!" or that they were wearing those fezes so reminiscent of Muslim culture.  I mean, just whose side are these people on?  I mean, they're begging for handouts, they're trying to break up the fragile construct of our unified country and they're dressed like freedom-haters!!! (Hmm… I’m sorry, but isn’t you entire blog about how these people are breaking up the unity of America, and yet you yourself are alluding that anyone who dresses in Muslim garb must be a freedom-hater? Aren’t people like you, who discriminate a group of people based on how they are dressed, going so far as  to compare them to terrorists, the type of people who are breaking America apart?) I was so infuriated that I made a promise never to shop at that local grocer if he had those anti-Americans with their hands out in front of his store again (You heard me, Pic 'n' Save, I've got your number!).  (I’m pretty sure these Christians you saw were commenting on the fact that it’s becoming unpolitically-correct and even wrong to wish someone a happy or merry “enter religious holiday here.” They are stating their frustration with the fact that we are no longer allowed to even mention a particular religion’s holiday, for fear that we will be leaving out another religion. I am a teacher and all my students are either Jewish or Christians (except for one Atheist, but she celebrates Christmas). If all of my students celebrate Christmas or Hanukah, why shouldn’t I be able to decorate my room in both Hanukah and Christmas decorations and celebrate everyone’s holiday? Why shouldn’t I be able to wish them all a very happy Hanukah or a very merry Christmas? And what exactly were the Masons collecting for? I’m sure, considering the present holiday season, they were collecting for some charity. Perhaps one the many hospitals that support children with polio that they’ve established all over the country.)

The latest argument seems to be that "Happy Holidays" is an anti-christian statement.  Well excuse me, Bible-thumpers, but we're at war here.  We need to show the world that America, with it's Christians and Jews and Hindus and Muslims and Buddhists and Shintos and Taoists and Pagans and whatnot is unified, that we're strong against our enemy.  If we start favoring one particular holiday/religion over the others, we'll just prove we're no better than those RPG toting evil-doers in the Middle East, but  then I'm sure you'd love that, wouldn't you? (Interesting point. Except, how exactly is being able to wish someone a merry Christmas favoring one religion over another? Those that are upset over this recent push for a politically correct holiday season are not upset because they want people to ONLY wish each other a merry Christmas. They want people to be able to wish each other a merry or happy religious holiday, whatever that holiday may be, and not be scrutinized and yelled at for “leaving one religion out.” You say we need to “show the world that America, with its Christians and Jews and Hindus and Muslims and Buddhists and Shintos and Taoists and Pagans, is unified.” Of course. I’m pretty sure anyone would agree with that statement. But what does that have to do with being able to wish someone a merry Christmas? I’m pretty sure there are only two religions that you mentioned that have holidays during the official holiday season. If I saw “Merry Christmas” to a Christian or “Happy Hanukah” to a Jew, how am I favoring one religion over all the rest?)

This is why we need the FBI stationed outside our churches, ladies and gentlemen. (Don’t you mean Masonic Temples considering the people who made you so upset that you needed to make a pointless blog about it were Shriners, which are people part of the Masonic movement?) While christians may seem innocent, the fact is they are really in cahoots with Al Queda.  They want to see our country break apart at the seams, rather than unify against a common enemy. (So 80% of the country wants to be broken up. And 80% of the country are terrorists.) They want to destroy the soul of America, the differences of our people that make us so unique. (Actually, didn’t you say we shouldn’t talk about our differences? That we should all blend together and unify? That pointing out our differences is favoring on difference over another?)

And one last little word: I'd keep an eye on those G.D. Shriners.  For all you know, they've got a bomb under their anti-American fezes. (Dear the God this imbecile just damned – Please teach this guy how to spell fezzes!)  A bomb or some kind of listening device, trying to beam our most sensitive information to Osama Bin Ladin and Zarcowie and all them evil terrorist scofflaws. (Don’t forget the Christians!) Thank you, and Godspeed.

2003

 
2004 

May 2005

June 2005

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

Hello. My name is Dutchess of Wales and no, I'm not really a fan of yours. While yes, I enjoyed the remake of Parent Trap years ago (even though I still prefer the original), I do not think I have ever seen another movie with you in it, and therefore, I cannot claim whether or not you have talent.

Talent or no talent aside, I am here to write you a letter to beg you to recant your recent statement to Teen People magazine that the interview with you in latest issue of Vanity Fair, of which you are on the cover (see right), is a pack of lies.

In the interview you admit to your battle with bulemia. You told interviewer Evgenia Peretz that when you were especially skinny, Tina Fey and Lorne Michaels "sat me down, literally before I was going to do [Saturday Night Live], and they said, 'You need to take care of yourself. We care about you too much, and we've seen too many people do this, and you're talented,' and I just started bawling. I knew I had a problem and I couldn't admit it.… I saw that S.N.L. after I did it. My arms were disgusting. I had no arms." You admitted that you were making yourself sick. And when Peretz specifically asked youwhether making yourrself sick meant throwing up, the answer was yes.

I was so happy to hear that you were finally telling the truth. After all the interviews where you denied your eating disorder's existence, after all the times you went back and forth, from one interview to the next, stating that you were "simply eating less," but then claiming that you never watched what you ate. That you did work out and then that you hated working out and never did it. After all the confusing, conflicting answers you gave when someone asked you about your sudden and quick weight loss... I was so glad to see that you were finally letting go of the control your eating disorder was having over you. Sooo glad that you could finally stand up and serve as a role model to many girls out there who has problems just as you do, showing them that these types of diseases are fightable and can be conquered. That bulemia or anorexia will not control you forever.

But then you had to go and recant it all. You had to email Teen People and say, "The words that I gave to the writer for Vanity Fair were misused and misconstrued, and I'm appalled with the way it was done."

And you had to accuse the Vanity Fair reporter of "lies and changing of my words." Then you had to get your publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, as well, to tell Teen People that you never battled bulimia.

You had to go ahead, once again, and tell the young girls of our country that looking the way you look is ok. No, not just ok, but desirable!

Maybe you aren't lying. Maybe Vanity Fair made it all up. Maybe reporter Evgenia Peretz, a well respected and one of Vanity Fair's "most reliable reporters" according to the magazine, made it all up and risked her reputation and career just to make you look bad. Maybe Lorne Michaels really didn't sit you down and tell you that you needed to stop (Although, I haven't heard him come out and dispute the statement). Maybe Vanity Fair's claim that they have the entire interview on tape is a big ol' lie.

Maybe, maybe, maybe... But I doubt it.

Dear, dear Lindsay. I hope to God you get help and don't waste away into nothingness like so many other girls have done. I also hope to God that you will one day be able to stand up and help other young girls get through bulemia.

Take care,

Dutchess of Wales

I have come out of hiding to announce some very special news. Saturday last, the 29th of April in the year of our lord, 2006, Lord Mullows of MindSay (also known as Sir BookSay as well) got down on one knee and proposed marriage to the one and only me, the Dutchess of Wales.

Of course, I said yes (and it wasn't for the shiny rock he placed upon my finger). I am happy to say that next year, in late spring or summer, Lord Mullows and I will become Mr. and Mrs. Mullows-Dutchess-BookSay-Wales. 

Let the MindSay celebration begin!

I love my Matthew Ryan Ulmer for ever and ever and ever.